YoungNovember

untitled 06:32 Tuesday 10 October 2011

2011-10-11T09:36:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid to say what I feel.

I'm afraid to touch you. I'm afraid to make you angry. I'm afraid of looking or sounding stupid. I'm afraid that you'll hate what I'm wearing, or how I look. I cringe right before you tell me what you think of something because I KNOW that there'll be criticism there. I'm afraid that if I tell you what I think sometimes, you'll shoot me down. I'm afraid that you'll think my ideas are stupid. I'm afraid that you think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that you don't see everything you want to see in me.

I think you think I'm weak.

I think that sometimes when I touch you, you'll push me away like you did once in the middle of night. I think that when you're angry you say things to hurt me on purpose because you know I can't take it. I think that you don't think I'm smart. I think that you look for reasons to dislike what I'm wearing. I think that you're too critical of me. I think that you dislike me sometimes.

I wonder why you're with me.

I wonder why you'd stay with me if there's so much about me that you'd rather have erased. I wonder why sometimes you use this patronising tone when you speak to me - like I'm a seven year old child. I wonder if I ask you for too much. I wonder if I'm asking for too little. I wonder whether you'd ever miss me if I was gone. I wonder if you love me as much as I love you. I wonder whether you really love me or whether you love me because I love you. I wonder whether you think about the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone.

I wish you'd just say you're sorry.

I wish you'd appreciate that I think you're handsome. I wish you'd just say thank you, sometimes. I wish you didn't always have to know something better or smarter than me. I wish that you didn't always HAVE to have the last say in an argument. I wish that you wouldn't be so stubborn - especially when I'm trying my best to compromise. I wish you wouldn't accuse me of misunderstanding you every time I ask you a question. I wish you'd say you love me first. I wish I didn't just hear you say that I'm beautiful once. I wish that I'd believed you when you told me that one time.

I imagine that we'll never be apart.

But my reality is different. I've allowed you to extract small pieces of me that I may never get back. I imagine that a lifetime with you would be tiring and harmful to my heart. I NEVER imagined that it would be hard from the start.

I am here.

My Pain

2011-08-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

My pain is only a reflection of what I've been through holding tightly onto my faith in you. There's no other reason why I would remain involved in the highs and lows of a love with you that I have fought viciously to keep. My pain is only a reflection of the battles I have faced deep within my own self, battles that I had no reason to face before I had to endure this pain. My pain is a result of your weakness for truth. Your weakness for commitment. Your weakness for faith in something that was so guaranteed to succeed, even the odds were speechless. My pain silently gnaws at the walls I've built around me heart because the cement is so fresh that it hasn't even dried yet. And yet here you are, speaking of your hurt, your pain, your inability to sleep at night because it keeps you awake. Did it keep you awake and wondering around like an insomniac when she was naked in your bed, wrapped up in your t-shirt, warm and happy and safe? Did it pain you then? MY PAIN trumps your pain! My pain comes from chapters in my story, all mixed up in closure and recovery, healed and wounded again by you. That's my pain. My pain smells, feels, tastes and sounds like the syllables in your name; every vowel and consonant enunciated impeccably so that I will never forget. That's MY PAIN. My pain breathes fire at your pathetic excuses from heartache because my pain has been reused, recycled, reburned and rebattered. My pain has been rebruised and retarded by you. And yet, I should never blame you for my pain? When I made the decision to face the universe both fearless and filled with love. What kind of person would I be if the pain I feel let me blame you? You will never understand that this pain, the pain that I feel soaks my heart in its lava daily, always remembering that taste. That scent. That sound. That touch. My pain only knows you. Only you can cause this kind of pain. And I will never forgive you.

Unbearable amounts of anxiety

2011-05-31T10:17:00.000-07:00

difficult to find a surface area that isn't slippery
there's no grip
concrete is always a better option, any other surface is weak when there's water
sometimes I am the water
i wonder whether you've ever felt water
not sipped or bathed but actually felt it
it has no feeling?
thats what you think
i know better because i know how to be the water that loosens your grip
do you think i'd tamper with your survival?
is that why you lie to me?
is that why you pretend to feel things that you don't really feel?
i don't believe you anymore
i should never have trusted you
you will never survive this water
i will drown you

The last time was too late.

2011-05-19T04:20:00.000-07:00

It was as though he knew how to fine tune her mind.
He had the right key to every door. He knew what to find in every room, because he'd been in every room a million times.

He knew every corner, every window, every light bulb and crack in the staircase, as though he had designed it.
He knew where to go to make her see him differently each time he came back into her life.

But he lost track of time between visits, his mind became a haunted house of its own. It was as though she had figured out how to penetrate his mind just as easily.

He awoke one morning to thoughts about her like he'd never experienced before. As though she'd come in the night and planted them there like wild seeds, unruly and liberally bound by the creative fashion of the way she used to love him. He missed her sweet soul.

He decided to enter the dark memoirs of her complicated mind one more time, preparing himself for the grand finale of his rights to visitation. He'd planned to visit one last time and never leave.

But when he tried to unlock the door of the mind that had been searching for his answers for years, she'd already changed the locks. And when he opened his eyes and saw himself alone, he knew that her struggle was over and his had just begun.

Life. Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.

2011-04-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Many unreachable notions keep me from my fate.
Obstacles with proportions big enough to decide my faith in myself bring me closer to wanting to de-register from life.
What keeps me earthed if not the Earth herself?
What have I done to deserve the gift of living if celebrating the present isn't my vision?
Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
I've dreamed a hundred of these wishful dreams.
I look forward with compassion and understanding for my craft - but my craft is untalented, inexperienced.
Unsmart.
Scare tactics are used to discourage me, I am my own insulter.
I am a runner from all things difficult, be it love or a natural disaster.
I pride myself on listening intently and creating the picture upon a page with descriptive words and enthusiasm and punctuation that would inflame another's greedy mind with questions and answers alike.
What makes me think I know enough to write?
YoungNovember was an impulsive notion to better my imagination. But the result of my ever growing poetic mind has landed me a repulsion for all things good, pure and lovely. Just because my battered heart feels it is unworthy of such privileges. And why?
Because life has cast it's stones at me and I have been too afraid to stand my ground. I'd rather take cover - hide.
And so many unreachable notions will continue to determine my fate as I lay around watching my life pass me by.
Because to stand up and fight for what I believe is the life I know I want is too much of a risk for me. And I cannot stand to lose more of myself than I already have just because I allowed myself to love.

Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.

No one is gonna love you more than I do.

2011-04-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Whether we're here together or worlds apart, we'll love each other like it's an art.
You may be there, while I wait here,
You may be involved with something I wouldn't prefer.
But I am bound to you endlessly.
What we have together, creates eternal memories.
Of both pain and happiness combined. That's what happens when two lives intertwine.
We may not ever belong together. That's probably why we didn't make forever.
But we made it happen, and it all happened so fast.
Sometimes love needs time to live, maybe it doesn't last.
But it was worth every tear and every crack in my armour.
Because as long as I'm existing, I can love you forever.

No one is gonna love you more than I do.

For the love of Fear

2011-03-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

Fear is not a state of mind. Whoever told you that, was a liar.
Fear is the monster you were afraid of as a child, the one who hid under your bed in the middle of the night.
Fear is the the first time you let yourself go, fell in love only to crash and burn into ashes.
Fear is losing something you never knew you had.
Fear is the unexpected.
Fear is not a state of mind, in fact Fear is a curse from the forces that deliver bad luck.
Fear wraps its claws around the only remainder of sanity you have and amputates it from your body, limb for limb.
Fear is thinking you've finally won, when you know you're about to lose everything.
Fear is the one thing that may never be cured and the one disease we'll all suffer from.
Forever.

Waiting for the rain to come.

2011-03-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

She was a flower seed that never had the chance to grow.
She knew her turn would come, but she waited in vain for the rain to fall.
All she wanted was to be washed with clean water, free from old soil and compost.
She wanted to grow tall, the way she ought to be.

She waited in fragile desperation for the little droplets of water to make their way from the cloudless skies.
The chains that were holding her into the earth were beginning to deteriorate; she was starting to lose her strength.

She longed for happiness that came with the sun.

But today gravity released her.
Today she felt freedom touch her crimson petals.
First they were soft gentle tears from the heavens, then gushes of overwhelming weeping from the forces of nature.

“When it rains it pours,” her mother used to say...

And she learned that to flourish, she had to open her eyes and then her heart.
She loved again.
She loved herself.
She became whole.

She knew she’d always be, a Rose.

She was too precious

2011-02-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

He always looked at her like she was the only being in his vision. This was both a blessing and a curse. He was bound to her, deeply involved in her and intoxicated with his love for her.
She was a bad decision. She mistreated and misunderstood him, but he never left her.
She was such a painful thought and she hurt him everyday.
She made him feel like he was nothing and yet her perfection was the reason he felt he had to stay.
She was too precious and she didn't deserve him but he loved her and even though that was his only justification, it was the onlyone that mattered.

upside down love

2011-02-24T13:12:00.000-08:00

i hate that i wait
i hate that i care
i hate that
i know that
i want you here
i hate that when you text
i wish you'd just call
i hate that wanting you around means so much more
than anything
or anyone
or everything
and everyone.
i hate that it's been long enough to remember
i hate how the memories make my heart feel tender
and weak
and sad
and bleak
and mad
i hate how i make excuses in my head
of why you did the things you did
i hate how it hardly matters at all
i hate how easy it is to fall
i hate that i'm so in love with you
i hate it
especially because of the rollercoaster i road for you.
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it so much
but what i hate much more is how you diminish that hate
and gain my trust
and make me feel like a field of yellow daisies
happy and free
and completely fearless.

i hate what i hate but i'd never hate you

Less than perfect

2011-02-24T07:05:00.000-08:00

You make me feel happy
You make me feel sad
When I think about the way you make me feel,
I feel bad.

I was never good enough,
always a second thought,
always the last option,
practically a last resort.

You make me feel excited,
but you crush my dreams.

You make me see myself differently to what I may seem.

But that isn't a good thing,
it's not good at all
You make me feel like I'm running a race
that I'm doomed to fail

You underestimate my strength
because my weakness is you
You make me feel not good enough
Not good enough for you

You always keep me waiting
You always call to late
You always think that it's ok to just let me wait.

You never say your sorry
You never take the blame
You never reassure my heart that things won't be the same

My emotions overflow for you
hate and happiness alike
my anger for you turns to passion as soon as our flame re-ignites

All the things you told me,
the secrets and the truths,
they're now all big back lies to me and I feel like the fool!

I feel less than perfect
Every. Single. Day.

I struggle with my heart and mind
How did I become this way?

Waiting up for hours
waiting for your calls
waiting for your next exit
awaiting your withdrawals
waiting for you to leave me
for the umpteenth time, again

I feel les than perfect,
but who am I to blame?

Would it be impulsive
to constantly blame you
After all this time and hurt I've gone through due to you.

It would be a lie if I said I no longer care
because I care a great deal
and that's what makes me scared.

Less that perfect
battered and torn
emotionally savaged
creatively bored
slightly overweight
sad eyes and everything

This is what I hate:

I want to be here
still in love with you
because that's the thing I do best
Just. Loving. You.

Being your safe haven,
the getaway you need.
The place you can escape to,
if ever you need.

I may be les than perfect
but I don't think you care
because I like to think that in some odd way;
You. Need. Me. Here.

Waiting in the shadows,
just in case you fall.

Waiting in imperfection,
Just. In. Case. You. Fall.

Panic!!!

2011-01-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

Just a couple of months shy of official
Less time than the last one took to love me
Too much pressure to deal
Anxiety attacks me
I want to love you, but you can’t handle this
I may be too much for you – be scared! Be scared of me!!

Obvious gestures
Unsubtle all the time
I love you has never meant so little to this battered old soul

Can’t breathe
Must be set free
Air! Air! Please...

You’ll sacrifice an entire universe for me break it in two if you have to.
Why?
I didn’t ask you to!
Don’t do me any favours, I cannot repay you.

Here it comes
Here comes the fear of the settle
Here comes commitment...

There’s no way out!

Unwantable. Unloveable Me.

2010-10-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

You don't love me, you only think you do.
I am unloveable.

You don't want me, you only want to want me.
I am unwantable.

A string of promises and sweet poems lead you here, what did you think you would find? A wonderous princess that was broken, that was stifling her heart with her mind?
What did you come here to prove, to want the unwantable me?
Unloveable, I said to you, unloveable, that's me.
But still you come with you heart on your sleeve, hoping for some form of redemption. I can offer you nothing, I can give you less, haven't you heard my intention?
I will rip your love to shreds with my pain and gnaw at your soul till it's rigid. I will corrupt your mind with memories that drain the very life that your eyes encompass.

I am unloveable, so do not love the unloveable me. I'll unwant you in a moment and break your heart...

and then you'll be angry with dread.

My friend

2010-10-07T01:18:00.000-07:00

My friend knows who I am,
My friend knows what I like,
My friend listens when I speak,
My friend weeps when I weep.

My friend laughs when I do,
My friend knows that I am her truth,
My friend breathes relief at my happiness,
My friend is sad in my sadness.

My friend reads my eyes, not my smile,
My friend senses my thoughts in my denial,
My friend is sometimes my only definition of family,
My friend knows the in's and out's of me.

My friend knows when I need a friend,
My friend knows when my heart needs a mend,
My friend knows when not to talk,
My friend will never leave me in hardship and walk.

My friend can see when there is sorrow,
My friend will make sure that I wake up tomorrow,
My friend finds closure in my presence,
My friend is a gift from the heavens!

My friend likes the parts of me that I do not dare to show,
My friend loves the heart in me, even when others don't,
My friend has grown up with me and has learned my every flaw,
My friend walks beside me, she'll never leave me alone.

-Written for my lifelong friend Raisa Fisher who is my rock, my lifeline and my biggest fan.

This woman's worth

2010-09-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

This Lady doesn't cry,
this Lady likes the crowd,
this Lady is wild,
this Lady is loud.

This Lady has no voice,
this Lady's lost her soul,
this Lady yearns for a choice,
this lady feels owned.

This Woman may be wise,
this Woman may be smart,
this woman may be funny and witty and smart.

This Woman has no fear,
this Woman is just scared,
this Woman is alone again,
this Woman's never cared.

This Girl has a dream,
this Girl has a part,
this Girl weeps in the silence of late hours in the dark.

This Lady has passion,
This Woman has strength,
This Girl has the power to change her own fate.

But She will be lonely for a minute longer than forever,
She will always be searching for something bigger than her last adventure,
She will weep, but never fear,
cry but never tear,
scare, but never fear,
love, but never enough.

This woman's worth is everything that is owned by her,
but means nothing to her at all.

her weakness is Us.

I know why the caged bird sings

2010-08-18T08:37:00.000-07:00

A caged birds only joy comes from song.
But what if that bird loses it's voice? What will be the joy that it's heart desires more than the sound it uses to free it's agony?
If being trapped is it's only fate?
Isn't it ones duty to set the caged bird free?

What if we were that caged bird - you and I...

What if we were trapped in each other's fate?

What if the only thing preventing us from setting one another free was the fear of freedom itself?

What if you lost your voice because it was silenced by me?

The caged birds only joy comes from song, so let the caged bird sing in it's cage. But if th caged bird wants to be set free - free it?

Or are you too afraid?

The routine of regret.

2010-08-13T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am so tired.

I walk this road daily, it makes me feel the same everyday. Tired.

I walk, one foot following the other, in perfect precision. My thoughts climb the same mountain, telling my heart the same story with all the actions in chronological order. And at the same corner, I feel my tear stung eyes light up, I feel my soul accept its fate and I continue to walk home.

I am exhausted from drawing the same memory card from the same box. But the fatigue is nothing compared to the reminder.

Once there was a me without regret. Now regret is the only thing that I remember.

Home is a safer haven than the mind. I find a quiet place to breathe. I am exhausted from my conflicted thoughts. So I pack them away, neatly in their boxes in the storages rooms in my mind, for tomorrow...

... when I will wak down the same road and repeat this cycle.

Mercy #1

2010-07-29T14:01:00.000-07:00

They hadn’t seen on another in such a long time that she’d forgotten how flustered she felt when Mercy was around. How could another woman make her feel hot and bothered? She didn’t make eye contact; she was too worried that it would show her anxiety. Mercy was dressed in simple blue faded jeans and white shirt, but she looked beautiful and poised, as always, in her chocolate brown skin and glistening dark eyes. Narissa couldn’t help but feel that familiar sexual tension in her body as she watched from the corner of her eye as Mercy circled the gallery. Why was she here? This was her exhibition, her art, her healing process, but here Mercy was, as usual, taking over with her radiant smile and flawless beauty. Narissa was not immune to her charm. She remembered their last encounter like it’d happened just seconds before...

She walked into to empty gallery carrying a bottle of red wine and two champagne glasses, one blue and one red. She was wearing a long strapless midnight blue dress made entirely out of satin. The dress was painted onto her body like soft skin on a woman. She was a vision. She sat down on the empty floor and filled the two glasses to the top. “Tonight we drink to you, Narissa. Teach me how to paint like you do, and I shall teach you how to make love like an African woman.”

She’d taken Mercy into her storeroom and showed her the faceless portraits she’d painted of one woman who couldn’t be tamed. They’d painted on empty canvasses with their bodies unclothed. They’d painted each other filled with desire, a painting that stood as the centre piece of this very exhibition tonight. Mercy was an untamed woman, much like the woman in her paintings, but those paintings couldn’t capture the way Mercy could devour her prey like an African lioness. Mercy was merciless, in her thoughts, her actions and her love making. She was a woman of strength, but she inflicted too much pain.

Their affair had been temporary; Mercy left her alone in the gallery that night, after having robbed her of all the dignity she had left.

stagnant growth. frustration on heat. loveless heart. sadness reigns.

2010-07-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

I run, you walk.
I cry, you see me cry.
I scream for relief of the pain,you let me love you anyway.
I fight and curse, you stare in agony,
as I crumble.

A century apart wouldn't have made a difference.
There was a tear from my eye for every touch on my skin,
an invisible scar with an odour of regret stings my conscience daily.

A 'pick-me-up' is what an addict would call the drug they'd choose to put them at ease for a little while. A 'relapse' is what I call and encounter with you.

You don't love me anymore - this is what it feels like to be alive and not be living.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Daddy's little girl

2010-06-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

You used to sing me to sleep so I'd always have sweeter dreams,
You used to kiss my forehead and silence my nightmared screams,
You used to pick me up so I could dance on your toes,
You used to teach me how to tie the laces of my running shoes...

You and mom took us on our first trip abroad, and even though I’m a big girl now, you still hold my hand when we cross the road,
You used to tell me to only be myself,
You taught me how being me always helped.

You encouraged me to follow my heart and finish everything that I attempt to start,
You never criticized what I write, never once did you allow me to think I’m not smart.

And now I’m just about all grown up, a real woman, you see,
But you never fail to see that little masterpiece you created in that young girl that used to be me.

Instead of singing me to sleep at night, now, you offer me reality, in which I strive to be the best, the drive you have instilled in me.

I will always be my daddy's girl, from beginning to end,
Because that little girl inside of me knows my Daddy can always mend
Broken windows and broken doors and even my broken heart.

I’m my Daddy's little girl, my Daddy's work of art.

Grace

2010-06-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

it's like watching the rain from my bedroom window, loving you.

it's a natural instinct to be near you, to want and need and love you. I love the way your hair smells and the way your lips feel, i love the way you eyes light up and how your laugh sounds, i love the way your heart beats and your face radiates beauty.

i love the way you speak to me, in soft whispers when there's a crowd.

i love the way you know how and where to touch to make me close my eyes and wish. I love the way you think of me and tell me those thoughts however happy or sad they may be.

i love the way you love melodies and beats and how my heart beats to your melody.

i love your love, the way we love, the love we love that allows us each others love. I love how you love, how we love, how you love me.

it's like watching the sun come out in the morning, the happiness it brings to the face of the sky, like a smile on your face after a storm of tears.

i love you with all of me, with each centered soul inside of me, with every breath and every heart beat and every blink my green eyes.

i love you with all that I am, all that i'll be, all that I know and all that I see. I love you for you. Who you are is love. Who i am is what you love in me.

i love you. I love you. I Love You. I LOVE YOU.

i luv u xoxo

here comes the man

2010-06-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

in the blink of an eye she became addicted to him. she was dependent on his oxygen generosity. her breathing was under his instruction.

he broke the barriers of the walls in her mind. He caught her when she was about to fall off the edge. She was losing control, he gave her the scent of her new addiction.

in her faith for love she stayed sane and cooperated only in the spontaneity that her love allowed her.

he brainwashed her with lust and sex and chemistry. He sold her silence. she paid in volumes of dry tears.

his voice was like loud melodies of women with aching hearts of sorrow. she was the epitome of that picture. she felt divine. their love was deadly.

they fed each others souls, they helped each other live. he and her, she and him. and then... he went away.

but she couldn't turn back.

60 seconds

2010-05-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

i'm watching myself disappear
i can feel my soul drifting
i am trying to save it, chase after and retain it, but it's long gone.

i'm alone.

there are weeds intertwining themselves around my heart, sowing themselves in and out, securing it. the inside remain in and the outside remain out.

they become tighter and i gasp...

i can't breathe, i can't breathe!

the expectations, the accusations, the deadlines, the pressure, the heartache, the sorrow, the sadness, the hatred chase me as i search high and low for that soul.

the soul i intend to keep, even if it were just for a minute. (just for a minute. only for a minute. i need that minute!)

i am slowing down, the weeds are holding me back. they wrap themselves thickly around my chest and arms.

i can hardly move.

my heart has been sealed, it's safe and sound.

except, i am one soul less and i have shut love out.

loneliness doesn't know a better friend than me.

Notes about that gurl.

2010-05-12T16:37:00.001-07:00

Hello. Hi. Meisie. Sunshine. Baby. Love. Senorita. Girly. Gurl. Girl. Temmy.

Hey. Boy. Boychie. Seuntjie. Baby. Love. Senor. My love.

I love you. You love me too. I miss you. You miss me too. I think I am inlove today. I think it should be over tomorrow. I don't know how I feel right now. Come home, please. When I see you, I'll tell you. What do you want from me? Do you want this? I'm happy. Me too. I want you. I want to feel the same way you do. When you say you love me, I feel it. I never promised you a fairytale. I tried. I am trying. Thank you. I need you. It's over? The chapter. Our book. The story. It's over.

There was something there.

That gurl had a name once.

I'm not that strong without you

2010-05-12T06:31:00.000-07:00

Months of silence,
tears of rage,
days of silence,
revolting pain,
hours of silence,
there's not a chance,
minutes of silence,
my heart feels lost,
seconds of silence,
it can't be true,
Hello, you say, how are you?

I can breath again.

"I need you like the ocean needs the tide..." - Marcos Hernandez

turn your lights down low

2010-05-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

we used to be like a melody, you and me. we went to together like the never ending lines of poetry. we found solace in each others healing. we taught each other the limitless end of feeling. we laughed at one another and cried together.
we turned our lights down low.

we helped each other dream and made one another love. we unblocked our hearts, destroyed our walls and came together as one. we talked all the ways we could and when talking failed us, we knew our writing wouldn't. we did what we knew best for the best gifts we could give one another.
we turned our lights down low.

we learned the music that fed the souls we craved and in turn shared a passion for sharing. we become one in spirit. one with poetry. one, together.
we turned our lights down low.

we turned our lights down low.

"loving you is like a song i replay every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day..."
- Lauren Hill, Turn your lights down low.

you found another me.

2010-05-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

i used to think that losing myself meant i disapeared,
you reminded me that my heart's still here.

i believed that love was an overplayed song,
you taught me the words, now i sing along.

before my soul was a shattered mirror,
you replaced it with something clearer.

i was imperceptive, stuck in a hopeless maze,
you saw me, now i see you, my eyes hold your gaze.

i fell into a never ending darkeness,
you lit the black with with courage, now my skies are cloudless.

i lost the me i used to know,
you found someone knew.

i drowned in my own emptiness,
you rescued me from woe.

i tormented my aching mind with images of hate,
you showed me more than happiness and with that gave me faith.

i cried tears of pure agony, bitterness lived on my tongue,
you released the ail inside my heart, my healing became your poem.

i didn't know, i couldn't see, what you may already have percieved,
but now i know and see and feel, you found another me.

Farewell, I love you

2010-04-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

(This is a farewell letter to my first love...)
Hello,

Thinking about you sends my heart into a slight frenzy, after such a long time, it really still does! And yet... I like thinking about you, thinking about the things that made and make you YOU.

I woke up feeling weird today, and I think I may have just found the reason. You wanna hear? (Or read it?) lol.

Well...

I think that I have stopped missing you. Yes, that's right, I don't miss you anymore.

In a way, it makes me sad. Because I've kinda spent months, give or a take, years, thinking about and missing you - during the making up and breaking up, of course!

But the reason I'm emailing you, besides wanting to tell you that is: I want you to know why (Why what?) Why I was so deeply in love with you. Because I thought that maybe if you knew and if you understood, then it would be easier for you to understand me - in a way that you've never been able to before.

So, here it goes...

When we met, it wasn't all the right things you said. It was the fact that you listened.
When we kissed, it wasn't the fact that your hands stayed put. It was that your eyes were closed and your heart was pounding and you were nervous and anxious, like me.
When we started to talk about the way we felt, it wasn't that you felt the same (which did count!) but that you liked that I was happy. It was that YOU were happy because I was happy.
It was that we never made each other sad.
It was that we were supportive and encouraging when both of us wanted to try something new.
It was the way you helped me. And the way you let me in and help you.

That's what made me love you.
That's what made me keep coming back.
That's the reason I chose to stay in love with you.

But.

That's another time now, another life, another era - if you will.

And I wanted you to know that I KNOW the bad times were intense, I KNOW you tried and I tried. I KNOW you didn't want to hurt me. I KNOW it frustrated you that I was so helpless all the time. And I KNOW that you didn't stay out of sympathy.

I know you will always have a love for me, the same way I will always have a love for you. But i also know that it didn't work out because we were never meant to be.

So, I'm not saying goodbye and I'm not asking you to come back into my life. Actually, I don't expect anything. I just figured that this is where it all started, with an email. So this is where the closure comes from in the end, i suppose.

I hope you're well and that you'll forgive the us that thought it was okay to do the things we did.

Thank you though, for the reasons you gave me. They inspire me.

Love Tamsin.

Two hearts. One Love.

2010-04-12T03:50:00.000-07:00

When she was a young girl she had a full heart and with each new found love she gave a piece away, to be remembered.

The last time she tried to take her piece back, she thought that if she shared it, it would be the end of her...

So she presented her case, her piece of heart back for a clean slate.

The new owner looked at her and sighed, her heart, he said was way too valuable and she didn't have enough to buy.

She cried and cried because she wanted it back, but he wouldn't hear of it, saying that her tears were falling to dirt.

She didn't understand why she couldn't get a hold on it; she knew she had to work for it.

But to work to get her own heart back, how would she?
To take her piece of heart willingly, how could he?

And so she moved on, filling the blank spaces in her chest with other forms of happiness.

She met a similar heart, a heart made of gold. She tried to apply for the position, but that heart had been sold.

She saw it everyday. It was happily owned by her arch enemy.
The one who took hers and the one she detested. The one whose heart she's taken time on and invested.

So she did the only thing she knew how to do, she used her heart and loved him too.

Till he couldn't resist her love and her empathy. And he offered her piece of heart without sympathy.

And as he grieved because he thought he had lost her, she smiled when he presented her with her the trade she once offered.

Her piece of heart for a new clean slate.

She watched as his own heart began to break. But before it fell apart and shattered to pieces, she grabbed hold of the strings and kissed the cracked edges.

"What use would this piece of heart be to me, if without you it would break easily?"
She asked him once and then again, and through his tearful gaze, he whispered her name.

"What use would your piece of heart be to me, when I'd rather have it in entirety, all of it, embedded in me?" He reached out and showed her the piece he had saved and in return she handed him the rest of its shape.

Perfectly in intact she handed hers to him.
He gave her his, young and untouched.

"I have never shared it before," he said.
"It's alright she said, "it's safe you, you're never to worry about it ever breaking."

And so a new trade was established: Her heart for his and his heart for hers.
A perfect deal. A perfect love.

Two hearts. One love.

A love letter from November

2010-04-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

Dear November's girl,

You will have secrets to keep, keep them.
You have people to love, love them.
You have songs to listen to, hear them.

You will have friends, some real, some not, but respect them.
You will find a happiness and trust in them, treasure it.

You will be hurt, heal then.
You will cry, dry your tears.

You will read stories that break your heart and uplift it again, always turn the page.

You will discover that you have a talent, when you've found it...

I want you to write my child.

Write my November child.

Love. Hurt. Cry. Heal. Write.

Your Mother, November.

If you love me, you'll say yes.

2010-04-08T05:12:00.000-07:00

She was crying when he walked into her bedroom. He asked hey why she was crying, she didn't say. He asked her again and she sighed, but didn't say. He tried to touch her, but she wouldn't let him. He sat down in front of her, he held her knees the way she was holding them, he licked her tears as they came down in showers from her eyes.

She cried until she had no tears left. She couldn't talk, she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. She tried to speak, but her voice was gone.

He just watched her. Licking her tears as they ran down her face, not saying a word.

And then he picked her up and carried her. Through her house and into her car. He buckled her up into the front seat and drove her to the highest point he could find, where she could see everything, where she was on top of her world...

And then he closed her eyes and turned her toward a light.

When she opened them, she was flustered by the brightness, the glare made her eyes water. But her tears had dried.

"Why are we here?" She asked.
"I am giving you the sun." He said.

And he did, he gave her the sun.

So she smiled her silly crooked smile, wrapped her arms around him and stared into the gift he's given her.

The sun.

One less lonely girl

2010-04-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

"... And you are my light on a very dark road, I love you."

Not sometimes.
Not often.
All the time.

I love you all the time.

It could have been you.

2010-03-28T09:28:00.000-07:00

It could have been you, who fell in love in an instant,
Who would have been able to close the distance
between your heart and mine,
Who could have let me shine
And be in the landing zone of deliverance.

It could have been you, who came across heartache,
You who had to feel it shake and break,
You who fumbled about for the pieces,
You who ironed out all the creases.

It could have been you who saw me every time like it was the first,
You who felt as though your entire being would burst
When I took your hand, kissed your smile, touched your skin,
It could have been you who felt like you could always win
With me by your side, with nothing to hide,
Except a truth you would never know.
It could have been you who loved with your heart and soul

You who needed me to make you whole,
You who my very happiness would make

And me...
Who your very happiness could take.

It could have been you, who cried yourself to sleep,
Who couldn't speak, but could only weep,
It could have been you, who felt each pain like singular droplets of acid rain,
Pouring down onto your face, to remind you of every chapter in my disgrace,

It could have been you who was disappointed at the sudden loss of my commitment.
It could have been you who had to learn the truth from outside elements who meant to hurt you,

It could have been you who was at a loss for words when I stumbled in front of you with honesty that burned
You who felt the itches as it burned.

It could have been you,
But it was me.
I was always me.
It will always be me…

My redemption song

2010-03-19T06:20:00.001-07:00

You are what is.
What you are is what it is.
What it is is what I wanted for you to be...
My redemption song.
Not an escape or an immaculate fantasy...
My redemption song.
I'm not healed or saved.
Just redeemed.
You are my redemption song.
What is.
What it means.
What you are.
Love.
I love you.

We have a story.

2010-03-16T11:48:00.000-07:00

The way we met.
The questions and the answers.
The smiles and the secret glances. The inner feelings. The tension and excitement. The slight movements. The sounds of the laughter.
The beginning.
The you's and the me's.

We have a story.

I remember when I first saw you.
I remember what you were wearing.
I remember exactly how you smelled.
I remember exactly how I felt.

I remember the secrets; they way they became bigger as time passed. But we always knew they were sealed secrets. I remember. Our secrets.

We have a story.

Loving and losing.
Loving and winning.
Leaving and forgiving.
Forgiving and Forgetting.

We have a story.
Tell me what you remember.

Love is a part of our story.
My First love. My first love story.

Tell me our story.

my hearts parasite

2010-03-11T11:23:00.000-08:00

I know that you're still here, in my heart. I can feel when you knock against the walls, trying to escape... but u can't be set free. I can't save u from me... Yes, I know you’re unable to breathe... but I don't know how to help u without hurting me. if I puncture holes into my heart, u could get a glimpse of oxygen... but then my heart would stop working and I’d surely die... that's not what u want. Is it? Its dark in there... no, I didn't turn the lights out, it's the pain... the coolness of it has turned the walls darker, into a strong mould, so it's more difficult for u to inhale. The fumes of my devastation are deadly. I struggle to decide which is more fatal... keeping u in, or letting u out. I wonder if I can let go, if you'll just disappear from the space I made for u there. My heart isn't being very hospitable now that there are walls around it, is it now? But who put the walls there? Who damaged the gateway? Who fucked up the lighting with infidelity and mistrust? Not me... your a parasite and I want u out, right now!

temporary farewell

2010-01-29T03:41:00.000-08:00

to say goodbye to you is not to say it's the end of knowing you
it is goodbye for now
till another time comes when we meet and we greet and we learn from the beginning
how to make each other laugh again
how to find the special things that make us smile
how to sought through the layers and layers of baggage to find the realness within
to say goodbye to you now makes me sad
but what could make me sadder?
not being able to say goodbye again
because saying goodbye is temporary
we will never be temporary
always a wonder
if i say i will always love you, i'd not be lying
but let me rather say
i love you everyday
not more each day and not less each day
i just love you
i still love you
forever
but goodbye for now
we'll meet again i'm sure,
i am certain

the fall of the embassy

2010-01-12T11:38:00.000-08:00

i feel numb
i feel nothing
i feel no remorse
i feel guilty because i feel nothing, but remorse
i feel frightened because being numb and feeling nothing but remorse hurts more than loving someone who never had enough in them love me
i feel ugly
i feel bitter
i feel numb, numb, numb
i feel like the insides of my heart are caving in from sorrow
i feel physical pain
i feel th insides of my stomach turn with regret
i feel sorry for myself
i feel pity, sadness and i feel numb
i feel hatred
i feel angry and scared
i feel more anger than fear
i feel like no one will ever see me
i feel exposed but i also feel invisible
i feel unwanted,disregarded, deserted, detested
i feel magnificent amounts of dread
i feel numb
i feel so fucking numb
i feel like closing my eyes and wishing for change, but my wishes are futile
i feel negative
i feel like a prude, a phony
i feel dishonest, like a liar
i feel numb
i feel so numb
i feel like the embassador of love has died

i'm down for whatever

2010-01-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

if you're there then i'm there,
it doesn't have to be fair,
wherever you take me i'll go, you lead me,
i'm down for whatever...

if you win then i win,
my love for you will bypass your sins,
you don't have to guide my heart, it will follow you anyhere
i'm down for whatever...

you don't hurt me,
you seduce fate when you're tempted to decieve me,
to have to forgive you again would be the end of me,
but hey,
i'm down for whatever...

delusion escapes you,
you see,you've forgotten that you love me too,
you know me and i know you,
so,
i'm down for whatever...

indifference isn't what i'd call it,
rather a mania of infatuation,i'd like to forfeit,
i'm inlove with you,
i can't ignore it,
i'm down for whatever...

i'm down for whatever,
wherever you take me,
however you'd like me to get to you,
whenever you need me,
i'm down my boy,
for you,
i'm down,
down for whatever...

however,
whenever,
whatever...

i'm down for whatever...

The safest place in the world: My Daddy

2009-12-31T06:52:00.000-08:00

For every assertive step he takes, my feet take two,
When I walk with my Daddy, insecurities are few.,

He still holds my hand in the palm of his when we cross a busy road,
I bet you that if he could, he'd turn my very prince into a toad,

Just to protect me and love me and give me
everything he can to ensure my security...

His face holds memories, some of which I don't even remember,
Mr, "I'll have my new six-pack abs by September",

He can still sing me to sleep, his voice a lullaby,
The only man I know who, for me, in a heartbeat would die...

My birthdays are affairs to be compared with public holidays,
But no gift, however expensive can compare to my fathers gaze,

The safest place in the world?
His embrace.

And my favourite line:
"Hello Angelface"

Too much, it's all bitter sweet

2009-12-17T05:14:00.000-08:00

It tingles on my body, the places your hands touched last night, it aches there too, from longing, i suppose.
I can feel the sensations, the gestures, the movements and the whispers of you on my skin when I move. It's so distracting that it's plaguing my thoughts, interrupting my daily usuals..
I missed you a second before you had to leave, not a minute later would have sufficed. It was only that second I needed to prepare myself.
I always have to prepare myself when you leave - I never know when you'll be back.
I needed you to be sure that it was because you had to that you left and not because you wanted to.
I didn't need you to say that you love me, because I saw it in your eyes after you kissed my eye lids, my nose, my cheeks and settled your whispers on my lips and then smiled that smile of a thousand long stemmed red roses drenched in hope.
I feel terrible about the past, yours and mine, about the way things turned out. But last night erased all that.
There is no past.
There is no future.
There's just the present.
Right here, right now, in this moment...
If you don't see it now, then I don't know how I'll ever show you
You're like a drug to me.
My own personal addiction.
If I close my eyes and think of you, I bet I could breath you in.
I bet I could, and I bet you believe me.
My God, I love you!

stranded in the realm of 'i don't know'

2009-08-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm stranded in the realm of 'i don't know' when it comes to telling you the things i want. i know you know that i feel for you, i just don't know if you know how much.
i see you and i hear you, but can't reach you from the wall, this realm as protection of magnificent sorts.
You make your wonders known to me and tell of your adventures. When i listen, i do so tentatively with my undivided attention.
i remember the first time you played for me. Beautiful pictures plagued my mind. But none of you and i were present, because i was still in the realm.
i can't escape it because it thrives on my uncertainty.
i do not dare to utter phrases like 'you and me...'
i am stranded in the realm of 'i don't know'
and i just don't
i just don't know...

it takes time to unlove you.

2009-08-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time not to care,
it takes time to forget the soft texture of your hair,
it takes times not to question whether you're unloving me too,
it takes time not to wonder if our love was ever true,
it takes time not to listen to all your favourite songs,
it takes time not blame myself for all that went wrong,
it's takes time not to hate,
it takes time not to share with you the thoughts that plague my mind of why you're never there.

It takes time to unlove you, to unwant and unneed you,
it takes time not to think, not to wonder, not to breath you,
it takes time not to wake up and dwell in your scent,
it takes time not to cry reading the letters you sent,
it takes time to picture the future alone
it takes time to unravel that life set in stone,
it takes time to unwrite the poems meant for you,
it takes time want nothing to do with the truth.

It takes time to unpicture the curves of your face,
it takes time to unfeel your lips and the taste,
it takes time to undream the sweet fairytales, that now somehow feel like a lifetime in jail.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unremember, the untruths, the unhonesty, the open slander,
it takes time when i loved you irrevocably,
it takes time to uncondition unconditionally.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to uncare,
it takes time to forget the touch of you, bare,
it takes time to unimagine that look in your eyes,
it takes time to accept it was all just a lie.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unlove you...
...
..
.

adandoned changes in the reality of loving you.

2009-07-24T04:30:00.000-07:00

Too many thoughts of you plague my mind at the same time. Sometimes i can't breath and it suffocates me. When you tell me that you don't love me the way i want you to love me. I am still happy that you even love me at all. The fact that i am in your thoughts make me happier than if you'd ever say you were thinking of me.

You've hurt me, but in order to hurt me you had to have me in mind to hurt. That means i was in your thoughts, in your mind. That means you took me into consideration, that means that in order to hurt me you had to care.

For you not to care, you had to have cared once.
These are the things i am telling myself constantly while i insist that i don't love you.

If there was a way to learn the structure of you smile, down to the last detail and be able to trace it along the palm of my hand... I'd be able to do that.
That is how much i don't love you.

I keep letting go and looking for some form of closure... but it's been there all the time, in the form of you. You are it. The reason i keep having to leave... but the only reason i decide to stay.

I don't understand why i love you so much.
So much that my heart is physically broken.

'the only one whose got enough of me to break my heart...'
-teardrops on my guitar, Taylor Swift.

Dear Love.

2009-06-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear love,

You brought such a beautiful gift once; it came in a small package. Laced with hopes of adventure, secured with happiness and inside you gave me the most precious present... you.

He helped me to discover you, to watch and learn from you. He taught me how to take care of you, and in turn, you let me use you to display my heart to him.
The three of us were a fierce spirit. We were something of a presence ourselves weren’t we? I knew from the moment I’d opened you that you’d belong to me forever.

But now you have chosen to go.

I knew that I no longer had any use for you and that you had to eventually move on to keep your own sanity.
People don’t realise that it is not them that loses you, but rather that it you who loses them. That you are the only one who gives everything and expects nothing.
I wish that you didn’t have to go and that we didn’t provoke you. I know you gave us timeless chances and we betrayed you.

You and i can never be friends again love, so this is our final conversation.
Now it’s time for us to part ways and for you to move on. Move on with him, wrap yourself up with happiness and safety and when he displays you to her, smile.
She deserves you more than I do.
Make her happy and overwhelm her heart with serenity and peace.

Most of all, light up their lives with your presence...
So much so that you will never have to leave.

Thank you for finding me.
I will miss you

And i do, i love you..

2009-05-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love."

There is no way to describe how you love someone.
When words don't give it enough meaning,
and all you want is to;
write every word,
draw every picture,
paint every colour,
catch every falling star, gaze at every rainbow,
sidestep evey ladder,
banish any black cat,
and keep every wishbone for them..

when every love song sounds as though you've written it, chosen the melody and the singer for it..

You celebrate their happiness and cry at their sadnes,
you cherish every moment,
even the insignificant ones,
you memorize their laugh,
their voice,
their scent,
their walk,
the way their smile brightens up the worst part of your day..

When you love someone the way that i love you,
the people from the past no longer matter,
they exist only in the storerooms of ones mind,
growing old and gathering dust..

"There comes a time in your life when you meet someone who divides it, into the time before and after you met them,"
for me that person will always be you..

There is no description for such happiness,
their is only the freedom you have to love,
that moment when you know you've lost all control,
and your emotions float around you like an aura of complete contentment..

There's a moment when you're watching the sun set,
and you can't remember ever being able to see your future so clearly,
a time when you find yourself smiling endlessly, for no apparent reason,

Those butterflies become a constant reminder within you,
a sign of love at it's warmest inside you..

There's that first touch of their hand after their absence,
the way their touch feels on your skin,
that first kiss that always feels like the first kiss,
and tells of all the ways they've missed you,
the way your bodies mold into that perfect shape,
the way it sounds different every single time they say,
"I love you"

There's you and there's me,
And I love you,

Because only you have the ability to take your index finger, dip it into your soul and write on my heart.

And I love you,
And I love you,
And I ...

the heart harvested #4

2009-05-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

i was hoping to die actually,
but now they're telling me that i'll live...

i've been here for three weeks,
he's been here everyday,
by my side,
with glasses of water,
roses, red, yellow, white...

white roses are supposed to symbolise peace,
i wonder if he knows that...

i am going home today,
he asked me if he could take me back to 'our home',
he hasn't said 'our home' in years...

i say ok because i am not ready to face my mother,
she's only been to see me twice,
she thinks i need to be evaluated,
she thinks i may be mentally unstable,
my mother thinks i may be mentally unstable,
the thought makes me laugh...

on the drive home he plays our wedding song,
i sing along with the words,
he hums the melody,
i watch him...

a week later we are driving to the hospital again...
we haven't been speaking.

i sleep in our bed,
he sleeps in the guest bedroom.

i watch his facial expressions as he concentrates on the road,
what a serious man, i think...

i don't love him anymore...

the doctor looks at my wound,
he smiles and says i am recovering nicely.

he puts his palm on my belly and asks,
"are you expecting a boy or girl?"

and then i remember that night for the first time...

how he walked over to me holding the gun,
how he kept whispering that he was sorry,
how he took me up to our bedroom, my hand in his...

how he stripped my clothes from my body,
how he ran the bath and washed the anger from my skin,
how he layed me on our bed,
how he turned out the lights,
how he made love to me until my tears were dry,
how he held me tightly until sleep overtook him...

i remembered seeing him alseep, peacefully,
i remembered getting up from our bed,
i remembered walking down to the kitchen,
i remembered sobbing uncontrollably as i emptied his plate into the trash,
i remembered how the cold metal of the gun felt in my hand as i pulled the trigger out of pure frustration...

i thanked the doctor,
i followed my husband to our car,
i sat in silence as we drove home.

i opened the front door,
i walked up the stairs and into the guest room,
the laced lavender curtains were gone,
the old oak treasure chest i had bought at a yard sale two years ago, was nowhere in sight...

the bedroom was bare,
with the exception of an old wooden rocking chair,
and a crib...

i haven't left this room in four days,
all i do,
is hold my belly,
and cry...

in the month of february

2009-04-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

the month of february brought me a gift.

'i don't shake hands, i give hugs'these were your first words to me before you looked into my eyes and stole my future.

i now spend every waking moment with you, listening, watching, liking, feeling, ... you...you're simple.
you make your bed.
you wash the dishes.
you read,
you write,
you study,
you concentrate.

you're principled.
you're the right guy.
you're hilarious,
you make me laugh until my sides ache,
my cheeks hurt and my eyes tear,
you're sweet,
above the means of sweetness.

you leave me with light memories of smiles and laughter.
you add colour to the dull days by talking to me.
i'm fascinated by your stories and you're ability to always keep me in awe.

your touch feels like luke warm water...safe.
your kisses are always a series of emotion in sequence...
soft,
sweet,
kind,
warm,
romantic,
harder,
urgent,
sexy,
lovely...

you added the colours of passion to the month of february with the melodical rhythm of your breathing when you fall asleep...

when we sleep you hold me,
without me having to ask,
you have never given me your back.

we never speak of love,
lust isn't an option,
fantasy is destructive and insulting when i speak of how you make me feel.

your first words to me,
i will never forget,
'i don't shake hands, i give hugs'in the month of february

your favourite word,
'baby'
my favourite person,
you.
you and me,
a celebration of first times.
you and I,
an indication that something better arrives with a smile.

us, the best sentence i've ever heard spoken.

bye bye baby..

2009-04-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

i've never seen your hands,
but i know what it feels like to hold them,

i've never touched your skin,
but i'm sure if i try really hard i can smell it,

you've never had the chance to smile at me,
but i'm certain that if you did,
it would sends raindrops through my heart,

when i imagine your eyes,
they look like mine,
your hair curly and soft,
your nose tiny, like a button,

i know you're always with me,
inside me,
whispering your wishes to me,
so i'll know you've forgiven me,

when i see you one day,
you'll be a young lady,
beautiful and wise,
you'll laugh like me, talk walk and joke like me,
you'll be the me i never was,
but you'll be you

and i will love you,
not much more than i love you now,
i could never love anyone as much,

i'm sorry i never said goodbye,
i thought you'd never love me,

i'm sorry i hurt you,
i thought you came to hurt me,

i'm sorry i didn't teach you how to read,
how to write,
how to dance and play,
i thought you'd never want to,

i'm not sorry that you existed,
because you made me,

you welcomed me into the world,
when you didn't have the chance to see it,
you never hurt me,
you always loved me,
you teach me how to laugh more everyday,
because i remember you,

bye bye baby,
i love you,

Mommy...

silly raindrops are my favourite.

2009-04-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

The raindrops feel soft on my face
More enhanced by the sense of a warm embrace
There’s a shiver down my spine and I don’t know whether it’s you or the rain,
But it feels like spring
And it’s beautiful.

The night has come and I didn’t even notice
I missed dawn and duskYou’re the main focus.
My attention, you have been able to capture
It’s more entrancing than the greenest pasture.

My head spins at the sight of you
You smile, and I smile at your smile,
It’s more radiating than the sun
On the earliest morning, just as the day has begun.

I can’t feel the ground,
I’m higher than the sound of the loudest music,
And like the music, there’s a beat
But it isn’t the melody that’s taken me.

The stars tell me a story every time I look at them,
A love story,
But no story from the stars tells me the kind of story I see in your eyes,
Your very transparent, honest eyes,
That look at me like I could possibly be a rose.
Those eyes that weaken my little heart and send flutters right through me.

In the rain, the soft raindrops have me singing lyrics to my own song,
The one my heart has written for you.

You make me smile,
Happy thoughts of you and me holding hands,
Falling asleep together,
You make me feel like it’s possible……
Love…

the heart harvested #3

2009-04-27T15:40:00.000-07:00

the sound of the ambulance hurts my head,
i wish it would go away..
i can still here him crying into his food,
the food i made him,
the food i delicately prepared for him,
just the way he likes it.

the policeman asked whether he was ok,
how dare they ask if this man is ok
when he has battered and bruised me?

in the ambulance i am very still,
my heartbeat begins to relax and i feel my heart beating slower

i remember the first time he layed eyes on me,
how he smiled and waved,
it felt like forever when he decided to walk over to me..
oh how those first months were,
glorious!

the first time we made love,
he took the time to know me,
to learn my body and my heart..

i taught him how to love me,
i taught him how to treat me,
i taught him how to punish me..

my head feels light and i can't open my eyes,
i'm holding his hand,
but his grip feels lighter,
i will my heartbeat to stop,
to just stop and not start again,

i open my eyes one last time and look at him,
the worry in his eyes as he sits next to me,
while i lay on the emergency bed cluching my chest,
he didn't do this to me,
i did this to myself...

he's crying again,
i close my eyes,
i smile and say farewell,
and then i wait...

to die

heart aviation

2009-04-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

when her heart skips a beat at the sight of you
and she smiling at the smile inside of you,
its the aviation of her heart.

when the sound of your voice inspires her
and the fact that you know enlightens her,
its the aviation of her heart.

when the butterflies come at the touch of your skin
and the feelings are either a sign or a sin,
it's the aviation of her heart.

when the pace of your heartbeat excites her
and the softness of your kisses ignite her,
it's the aviation of her heart.

when her eyes light up at the calling of her name
and her laugh is like the fluttering rain,
it's the avaiation of her heart.

smile. for me.

2009-02-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

we all search for salvation in the form of love.

so much so that compromising ourselves,
our time,
our faith,
our trust
and our comfort
becomes unimaginably normal.

when we search for salvation it should be in the form of solitude.

I'll be your solitude.
your secret keeper.
your friend.
your memory box.

i need no payment and you'll owe me nothing.

just smile once a day, everyday.
for me.

love me, please

2009-01-26T03:05:00.001-08:00

i changed my hair, cut it shorter,
my drinking habits include only water,
that diet you suggested,
works with ease,
love me, please

i changed the locks on all the doors,
i paid for hard wooden floors,
i checked the dogs for bugs and fleas,
love me, please

i cancelled lunch with my mother,
you can go play golf with your brother,
just call and tell me what you need,
love me, please

i bought the red dress for your function,
concealed the bruises with foundation,
i'll follow, you just lead,
love me, please

i made an appointment with the doctor,
remember, i'm in my first trimester?
i'll take care of our seed,
love me, please

i waited for you till noon,
you said you'd be home soon,
i wanted to be seductive,
but now have become destructive,
i want you to die,
so i can grieve,
love me, please

the heart harvested #2

2009-01-12T05:46:00.000-08:00

I’m scared

i walk and i think and i say "ok, i'll do it, i'll call the wedding off, i'll go to the police, get a restraining order, i'll call my mother, tell her the truth and, well, it'll be ok"
i walk and i think and i say, "no, i can't! i'm scared"
so i walk and i think and i go into the laundromat, drop off his suit, pick up his shirts and greet the old lady whose been drycleaning his clothes for the past 7 years,
i leave and i think and i walk and i think and i run into his brother
"hi" he says holding his 2 year old daughter in his arms, the sun burns my face
"hello" i say, my face toward the sun, avoiding his eyes i look at his baby, i'd love to have one,
before he makes conversation i make and excuse and i walk away, i want a baby, i want to live a normal life and i want to set things straight, so i walk home.

i sit on the stairs and wait for 7 o'clock, he'll be home soon.
i've set the table, i'v made the food, i've chilled the wine, i've set out his after-work clothes, i've programmed the tv to play his shows and i'v bathed, dressed in home-makers clothes awaiting his arrival
i have become his puppet
and i am scared.

he arrives, i smile
"hi baby," he says, his tone patronises me
i don't respond, instead i take his hand and take him to the dining room, i sit him down and blindfold him, i kiss his lips and i walk to the end of the kitchen

"remember when you hit me the first time?" i ask in a soft voice
his body goes rigid
"what the fuck is this?"
he stammers because when he takes the blindfold off i am holding his gun

second thoughts

2009-01-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

i had a friend once who told me all her secrets and never once did i judge her. she was to be an escape from the world that loathed me. we laughed and cried together, we shared harmony.
when the world kicked me out of its cult and i was alone, she handed in her resignation freely and chose me.
no second thoughts.
she broke my heart when in another direction she opted to go, i had no choice but to accept her decision. i owed her everything, and she in return expected nothing but loyalty.
with no second thoughts.
so now she and i, we're at a cross roads, far apart we stand and stare at one another, unable to freely express the things we were able to just a week before...
with no second thoughts i need to forgive, forget and let go because i owe her everything, and she, me nothing.
but all i have is second thoughts.
and second thoughts there will always be.
because in her moment of weakness she forgot about me.

and then i met you my portrait of love

2008-12-28T11:39:00.001-08:00

i was stuck in bad habits, too blind to see the obvious warning signs of falling deeper and losing my control. we are all hard headed when we're in love and when we try to fight it, we create disasters resulting in break-ups and then turning around to make-up. we go against the right things we should do, caught in a moment letting our souls become uncut, roughened up stones. I knew it was time for a change, i saw it coming from miles away, i awaited the loud thrashing of my barriers breaking, my mind and heart secretly letting my control slip through my fingers. the realisation; i wanna be swallowed by a stare so that i can hardly breath and some how want to be willing to do the things you want, for you to spoon feed my heart. a love i wanna be involved with, dangerous and deadly, where there's no turning back and the pillow i cry on is your chest. i am aware that my dreams were and probably are so far fetched and obscure. i am odd, silly, romantic. and then i met you. i fell in love i realised my mistakes and now i need to assess the damage. i'm sorry, i always have to go, but always will love you. my portrait of love.

a woman. a friend

2008-12-28T09:04:00.001-08:00

even though she weeps,
she is strong,

even though she can never decide,
she is certain,

even when she's down and out
she'll give me her hand,

even when she's tired,
she'll carry me home,
put me to bed and stay with me,

even in her darkest hour,
she'll make sure i'm okay

even when i do all the wrongs,
she'll never judge me,
and when all the pieces of my puzzle fall apart,
she picks them up,
glues them together and hands them to me on a silver platter,

even when i shout at her,
get angry with her,
envy and discourage her,
she'll understand, listen, care

even though she knows all my secrets,
she will never tell a soul,

even when i tell her to go away,
stay away,
she won't,
not ever,

she's a woman,
one of the greatest i know,
she knows me,
sometimes better than i know myself,

she's always ready to listen,
to advise,
to protect,

she's my best friend.

'it didn't mean anything'

2008-12-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

i saw him holding her hand,
touching her face,
kissing her lips,
peeling off her clothes,
kissing her neck,
her shoulders,
her breasts,
caressing her back,
tracing his fingers along her lips...
he kissed her harder,
urgently pulling her clothes from her body,
sliding his hands up her skirt,
he lifted her onto the counter...
she smiled at him,
seductively,
he unzipped his pants... fast
kissed her,
held her,
fucked her

she was moaning,
screaming,
shouting his name,
he was moving inside her,
fast then slow,
then fast,
he was whispering in her ear...
she was smiling,
laughing,
wanting
she let out a loud moan...
and then...

they stopped,

she dressed herself,
walked to the bathroom,
fixed her hair
and they left,
holding hands,
smiling...

tomorrow i'll ask him,
he will deny everything...
and when i say, "i saw you!"
he will say,

"it didn't mean anything."

unnofficially us

2008-12-28T08:50:00.000-08:00

you always ask me not to run,
to stay,
"its safer here," you say
"here with me"
and i believe,
i believe you,

we kiss,
we touch,
we play,
we share secrets,
our bond unspoken,
but known to you and to me,
yet there is no label on our aged,
matured,
distilled bottle of sweet red wine.

in me you trust and open up,
you give me all your love,
i believe,
i love,
i trust,
i cherish,
and then,
i cry,

because although i no longer run,
and i am safe,
i am not
entirely sure,
entirely secure,
entirely out of the danger zone,
because i am not entirely yours.

to belong is not to love,
because you can love
and never belong.

the lady with the colourful eyes

2008-12-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

she looks at me with daring dark brown eyes,
they're her anger eyes,
she speaks volumes with that stare
behind her expressionless face,
they are plastered with a fierce force,
maternity

they turn a lighter shade of autumn,
when she looks at her first born,
a new born she is,
with the eyes of blue,
she gave her those eyes,
her grandmother had them once too,

her sadness creates an olive brown,
sorrow stricken and hostile,
they're present when she weeps,
and when she doesn't,
they're evident

when they are the colour of autumn leaves,
and the colour clouds her smile,
she's happier than you could ever possibly be,
she's in the presence of her little sunshine,
looking into the eyes of pureness and
secrecy,

the lady with the colourful eyes,
shares her secrets with me,

she's my mother,
and her daughter,
i am she

the comprehension of love

2008-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

Love has been taken lightly,
a word abused by abusers,
assaulted by assaulters,
adultered by adulterers...

always being threatened by outside forces
people who are so consumed by their own miseries
they can't stand the thought of someone owning a happiness all their own,

stripped,
violated and hurt,by infidelity

and yet it exists,
even within me and within you,

it is built on trust
Honesty
Faithfulness
Compassion
Understanding
Communication.

There are different types of love.
But the best & the worst is the unconditional kind,

Because no matter how much the one you love hurts you
physically,
mentally,
or both
You love them.

Love has been trialed,
tested,
convicted and sentenced...
been found guilty of one thing,
disturbing the peace,

although not all love is bad

At one point in time,
the love one falls upon is new & exciting
something we wouldn't trade for anything in the world
Till it begins to cost you your sanity&
your self-worth.

ironic though isn't it?
that the one thing that brings your mind to a state of contentment brings the same amount of permanent insanity and obessession...
i fear nothing,
and yet i fear love.

by Jenn Cruz & Tamsin Wort

imagine.

2008-11-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

I imagine you looking into my eyes, smelling my hair, touching my skin, hearing my me laugh, tasting my lips,
I imagine you smiling at me, closing your eyes when you hold me, humming when you fall asleep beside me,
I imagine you whispering "you're perfect," in my ear, everytime you have the chance and watching in amusement as I stop whatever I'm doing and tell you, "no, you are"

I imagine you and me,
sharing love,
giving love,
making love,

I imagine u taking my hand, leading me into your world,
making us a world of our own,
you teaching me things about you, life, the world,
everything you know

I imagine waking up with the scent of you on my skin,
on my pillow,
in my bed
and you asleep in my covers... beautiful

I imagine your hands, strong, but delicately designed to write all the beautiful things you write and your heart to be made of the rarest diamonds,
because it alone outshines every gift I've ever recieved.

I imagine you telling me your childhood secrets and laughing at mine,
us talking over coffee,
smiling,
flirting,
loving...

I imagine you in front of me eyes wide and happy when I tell you,
hey mr perfect, I'm in love with you*

what do you call that feeling...

2008-11-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart explodes and overflows with a substance sweeter than the finest honey and all you want is to savor the taste...

And it unravels itself from the vines and weeds that have bind themselves around it so tightly any attempt to manually remove them would have resulted in a disaster

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart is so overwhelmed with an amount of happiness that is the equivalent of jewels and treasures to kings and queens...

And it shines through your eyes, your movement and your smile emitting hope for dreams, possibilities and ideas to realise potential you had no comprehension of, within yourself

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart skips a beat, your palms clam up and there are butterflies in your tummy...

And you walk to your own backround music, a theme of songs relating only to you, your mind, your body and your soul

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart experiences pure ecstacy with the existance of his creativity, his words, his heart, him...

That feeling could be love, possibly, but if it isn't...
its pretty damn close!

just my luck*

2008-10-28T12:54:00.001-07:00

with all the lucky stars,
four leaf clovers and birthday candles
i've always had one wish,
a wish for true love...
it is yet to come.
now i know that my fate is in the hands writing these words...
he isn't perfect,
he's damaged,
a disaster,
but he's there,
all of him...
Our love has never been tested,
in fact its still to be known...
i know nothing for sure,
only that he thinks i'm perfect...

the heart, harvested

2008-10-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

he grabbed her and hand and lead her into the room,
"sit down,"he said,
she sat on the bed, waited...
and then it came, the hard blow to her upper lip and the second to her abdomen, she'd misbehaved again...
"i'm sorry!"she screamed and screamed over and over,
he didn't listen.
"i love you!" he shouted above her sobs,
"i love you and you keep hurting me!" he started to cry as he beat her,
they both heard the crack of her rib as she fell to the floor,
"baby, you're killing me," she whispered
"please stop!" she cried a little louder
he ignored her, draggin her across the room to the bathroom,
"get cleaned up, we're going out..."
she lay in the bath,
submersed completely in steaming hot water and thought about not getting up...
"what if i stayed here?" she asked herself,
"what if i just didn't get up...
"what if i didn't breath...?"
but there it was again,
the voice of reason,
"hurry the fuck up!
"she thought she'd try to make a change as she rubbed her strawberry smelling lotion on her scarred body, as she pulled up her lacy black leggings he bought her for valentines day,she thought she'd fix it as she slid into his favourite red dress and let her long dark hair down her back, she thought she'd make it all better as she slipped into the black crocodile heels and picked up her bag,
"i'll make him see," she said to herself as she dabbed the fruit scented perfume behind her ears and down her breasts,
she walked down the stairs,
he was waiting for her...
"where are we going?" she asked,
he didn't answer
"hey... where are we going?"
she asked again, he didn't answer.
he opened the front door, there was a limo outside,
black, velvet and classy,
she opened the door herslef and climbed inside without a word...
he climbed in after.
"i want you to behave tonight" he said sternly
and didn't speak again until the car stopped.

the restaurant was packed,
there was laughter and conversation everywhere,
he guided her to a table in the back,
where the room was lit ever so slightly...
she sat down,
she waited for him to take his seat,
but he didn't,
"i'll be right back" he said and disappeared into the front of the restaurant,
"this is my chance she thought as she reached into her bag for her lip gloss,
"i need to do it now...
"the waiter arrived and asked what she wanted to drink,
she knew better than to order without him,
so she smiled and shook her head,
he returned instantly,
"what was that?" he asked,
"what was what?" she looked puzzled,
he put his hand to her face, she flinched,
he caressed her cheek,
"i told you to behave" he said smiling, he pulled her ear hard,
"don't make me angry..."he sat down and reached for her knee under the table,
he pinched her...
"ouch!" she gasped...he ignored her once again.

when the waiter returned he ordered a bottle of sweet whiite wine,
"make sure its chilled," he said in his professional voice and the waiter walked away...

after the third glass of wine, her head was spinning,
"i need to do this now," she thought...
"hey... " she took his hand,
"can i talk to you about something real quick?"
he looked at her with daring eyes and smiled,
"marry me?"
his words were not a question,
his eyes were not asking,
his grip was not gentle,
his smile not inviting,
but she heard herself say...
"okay..."

the good time girl

2008-10-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

the good time girl is gorgeous,
she has decieving eyes, full cherry lips and long satin hair,

the good time girl laughs and smiles and oozes flair,

the good time girl dances like there's no tomorrow,
always the life of the party,

the good time girl is smart,
she only buys versace,

your money she spends,
your time she takes,
she always game for the next date

she'll kiss and touch and sometimes go all the way,
but the good time girl doesn't stay,

she awaits the arrival
of the next"mr right-now"
and off show she goes on nights
on the town,

taking his time, his money and his heart,
she never utters the words,
"never shall we part"

because off she goes into the night,
with the next edition of mr right...

she cries when she's alone,
wondering about love,
she asks for answers from someone above,

she claims to not know and not to care,
about the nameless faces that have smelt her hair,
that have kissed her lips and given her their souls,

she knows she'll never break the mould
that has crafted itself around her heart,
see?
i told you,
the good time girl was smart,

she knows how it feels to have it broken,
by the words she has never spoken,

she'll never fall in love with you or the other,
not after the hurt she recieved from another,

you'll give her all you can possibly give,
you'll promise her love and always to live
with her in your heart,
that you're never to part
and you'll tell her these things from the start,

but she won't believe you,
or the other,
the love she wants is from another,

he's far away,
he couldn't stay,
so the good time girl is all for play,

take her out and make her smile,
the good time girl will only be here for a while...

in one night

2008-10-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

i knew that he wasn't available to begin with, thats what made him so intriguing,

He wasn't hesitant during the night,
watching me dance and passing my drinks ,
sitting close to me in the car on the journey home,
No one seemed to notice the chemistry though,
our friends,
they were all so elated by the night and its antiques that we found ourselves in a world belonging entirely to him and me...

Like friends we flirted without words...
Harmless gestures like, silent glances, very innocent, but all so sweet...
My conscience seemed to fade as quickly as the sun set,
and as the stars settled and the night aged,
we became more and more aware of one another

The glances became meaningful stares,
more intense,
pouring through my eyes, into me...
telling me more than i'd allowed myself to imagine

He was shy, reserved and soft spoken,
he didn't say much,
but what he did say mattered

When he later took my hand and held it,
he did so secretly,
rubbing the insides of my palms with his thumbs,
i smiled from the inside out...
How could this young man, younger than i, be so...adorable!

I initiated our first kiss,
we were alone...
in his home,
in the living room,
it was dark, i couldn't see,
but i was guided by his scent and taken by his deliverance of the most perfect first kiss...
the softness touched my caged, enclosed, ever mending heart

Soon we were caught up in one another,
using all of our five senses...
Our eyes, to look and search for the reasons for our actions,
Our ears listening to the hastening of our own breathing,
Our fingers, touching all the secret places our bodies hid,
intertwined in one anothers,
tasting what could only be described as the forbidden fruit in the mysterious garden of Eden.

He smelled wonderful...
I removed all thoughts from my mind
and became consumed in the reckless yet sweet motions between us,
He was beautiful,
in every movement and moment and glance,

He was romancing me,
and i was supposed to be the romancer

When reality eased its way back to me, and i lay, ready to fall asleep,
aware of his presence in the room,
even though he was no longer next to me,
i knew we made love that night,
and for the first time in my life,
i felt like it.

I knew that the next day what we experienced would be a blur,
and he'd have to go back to her,
but that night he was mine,
he belonged to me, and made me feel as though
i could,
should
and would,
be treated like the angel he made me...

In one night, i fell
in one night i fell in love.

ugly on the inside

2008-09-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

When people see the green eyes,
they don't see that the eyes are transparant,
that there is sadness in her eyes,
that she's holding back her tears...

When people hear the infectious laugh,
they don't hear the deception with which it is inflicted,
that she isn't laughing with them,
but that they are laughing at her...

When people feel the soft hands,
they don't feel the ice it is fighting so hard no to expose.

When people listen to the stories she tells,
they don't hear the lies behind...

People see what they want to see,
No one wants what no one wants,

It's so easy to be percieved as beautiful
when you're ugly on the inside.

we never leave, they do

2008-09-17T12:41:00.000-07:00

It's a funny thing, falling in love...
We find ourselves hopelessly dreamy, singing in the shower, smiling through breakfast, talking to people we don't normally speak to,
Oddly enough we find ourselves spending more time checking our cell phones than anything else, and texting our significant other more than we'd like to admit...Its a funny thing falling in love, but it feels so good...
Making love and having him say "i love you" and meaning it, having him make your coffee, not the way you like it, but its ok because he tried.Having him suprise you with flowers just because he can and inviting you to dinner with his friends so he can show you off...
Lovely isn't it?
When you feel so wanted and needed...
Until it stops.He stops calling all times of the day and you feel lucky if he calls at all,
When you say "i love you" at the end of a phone call he grunts and says goodbye,
doesn't tell you about where his going anymore, but his busy every Friday night, even on your anniversary,
He forgets your birthday, and when you remind him, clearly upset, he says "whats your problem? I made a mistake"
When his answer to your questions are, "whatever and ok"We never notice it at first when it stops, and then it happens...
He leaves...
And we ask ourselves,"what happened...?"
When we should have seen it coming!
When its over, we ought to know...

Ages of a first time...

2008-09-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

He has piercing eyes...
They stare at the thoughts inside your head,
the thoughts you don't want him to see...you can see he wants to hold you, to touch you, to feel your body against his,
but you can't get too close,
His touch burns...
It feels like dry ice...
It's hard and it hurts because it's loveless.
He's using your body for his refuge and taking a piece of your soul everytime he says,
"I love you"
You believe his words and you smile...but not a happy smile... its fear
He can see it too...
He says, "don't be scared, I won't hurt you"
So you let him in... inside you,
you feel his breath hard and urgent on your neckand you open up when he pressures to be further in you...
You cry inside when he pushes deeper
and when he releases his energy in your soul,
you feel dirty and cheap...
"don't worry," he says, "it won't hurt the next time" ...
And you wonder when the pain will end...
Will it be when he leaves you with the bruises of a broken heart?
Will it be when you spend your life re-living that moment in your mind and wonder whether everyone can see right through you...?
Can you remeber the last time he looked at you with love...?
Did he ever look at you with love...?
Did he ever love you...?
You need to be needed like you need him to need you.
"I HATE YOU!" you tell him in your mind...
He has piercing eyes yes,
they see into your heart,he knows your secret,
you love him...
and then he walks away,
He doesn't say goodbye...
You meet "Mr Right", but he comes at a price though...

Your integrity

commitment phobia... pathetic!

2008-09-17T12:24:00.000-07:00

In situations where one has no control of the end result, it becomes frustratin when you feel as though the end result could have been different had you been aware of the circumstances...
For instance, i didn't know he had no intention of being in any kind of committed relationship, because had i known, i would have decided then and there that there was an oppertunity there for us to grow.
Instead i found that he was eager to please me, emotionally and was "courting" me in sense.He said the right things, but never made promises...
He oohed and aaahed at the right places, complimented the right outfits and laughed at the appropriate jokes.
The problem however was, as i sit here writing this, i have no idea whether he was being genuine or whether he was being artificial already by that time.
The problem many woman have with relationships is that we always think they'll be afraid to commit, so we don't push them, in order to preserve our own integrity and to feed their ever growing ego...

He didn't seem to have commitment phobia though, and was quite open to being in a kind of "open, not-too-serious " relationship with me.
So what i don't understand here is,what the hell went in wrong in the space between,"yes, i wanna be with you" and the now non-existant phone calls, messages and emails...
I am currently confused.I have been seeing him for the past 3 months and in this time have come to know him as the "guy i'm with" and not exactly my boyfriend.. "yet"
Things were fine until i told him how i felt.He asked me to be honest, and i was... so what the hell was the damn problem...?
As soon as i said i wanted "stabilty" the phone calls stopped...

Is this an indictaion of serious commitment phobia or a sign that he wants to be in a relationship, just not with me.?

These questions will reside in my mind while i give him the silent treatment and try to move on and forget his sorry ass...
What a loser!

he loves me

2008-09-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

It was pouring rain in the middle of summer,the kind that comes after a hot day ,when the ground steams with heatand you can still feel the warmth on the ground that the sun kissed during the day...

all the stars were out,and the moon was full and bright...
there were no clouds in the sky,not a single one...

he called to say he was outside,
waiting for me...
a suprise visit!

I unlocked the door and opened the gate,leaving the tv on,I knew i'd only be a minute...
we hadn't been together long
and i was excited to see him,i fluffed my hair, licked my lips and ran to the idling car,
throwing caution to the wind as i let my hair get wet in the rain
I walked to the door, but it was locked,I knocked on the window,
but he was getting out of the car...
"what are you doing?" i asked, "you'll get sick!"

he walked toward me and gave me a hug,he squeezed me so tightly, i said,"you're crazy!"
it was raining harder now...
he smiled, i smiled, he laughed and looked at the sky... and put his hand on my heart.i looked at him, puzzled, "what are you doing?"

he said, "just close your eyes and listen to me..."

I closed my eyes...

"you're safe, you're needed, you're wanted," he whispered in my ear...
"you're beautiful," he said when i opened my eyes...

he kissed me softly, i hardly felt his lips when he pulled awayand then he took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes,his eyes were shining...

I looked away...

he pulled me closer and asked me to look into his eyes,
"i can feel your heart beat," he said
"i can feel yours," i laughed at his expression...he was soaking...

"i love you," he said

and thats when my forever started...
in his arms
in the rain
under the stars and the moon
soaking wet
and i thought...

he loves me...