Farewell, I love you

(This is a farewell letter to my first love...)
Hello,

Thinking about you sends my heart into a slight frenzy, after such a long time, it really still does! And yet... I like thinking about you, thinking about the things that made and make you YOU.

I woke up feeling weird today, and I think I may have just found the reason. You wanna hear? (Or read it?) lol.

Well...

I think that I have stopped missing you. Yes, that's right, I don't miss you anymore.

In a way, it makes me sad. Because I've kinda spent months, give or a take, years, thinking about and missing you - during the making up and breaking up, of course!

But the reason I'm emailing you, besides wanting to tell you that is: I want you to know why (Why what?) Why I was so deeply in love with you. Because I thought that maybe if you knew and if you understood, then it would be easier for you to understand me - in a way that you've never been able to before.

So, here it goes...

When we met, it wasn't all the right things you said. It was the fact that you listened.
When we kissed, it wasn't the fact that your hands stayed put. It was that your eyes were closed and your heart was pounding and you were nervous and anxious, like me.
When we started to talk about the way we felt, it wasn't that you felt the same (which did count!) but that you liked that I was happy. It was that YOU were happy because I was happy.
It was that we never made each other sad.
It was that we were supportive and encouraging when both of us wanted to try something new.
It was the way you helped me. And the way you let me in and help you.

That's what made me love you.
That's what made me keep coming back.
That's the reason I chose to stay in love with you.

But.

That's another time now, another life, another era - if you will.

And I wanted you to know that I KNOW the bad times were intense, I KNOW you tried and I tried. I KNOW you didn't want to hurt me. I KNOW it frustrated you that I was so helpless all the time. And I KNOW that you didn't stay out of sympathy.

I know you will always have a love for me, the same way I will always have a love for you. But i also know that it didn't work out because we were never meant to be.

So, I'm not saying goodbye and I'm not asking you to come back into my life. Actually, I don't expect anything. I just figured that this is where it all started, with an email. So this is where the closure comes from in the end, i suppose.

I hope you're well and that you'll forgive the us that thought it was okay to do the things we did.

Thank you though, for the reasons you gave me. They inspire me.

Love Tamsin.