untitled 06:32 Tuesday 10 October 2011

I'm afraid to say what I feel.

I'm afraid to touch you. I'm afraid to make you angry. I'm afraid of looking or sounding stupid. I'm afraid that you'll hate what I'm wearing, or how I look. I cringe right before you tell me what you think of something because I KNOW that there'll be criticism there. I'm afraid that if I tell you what I think sometimes, you'll shoot me down. I'm afraid that you'll think my ideas are stupid. I'm afraid that you think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that you don't see everything you want to see in me.

I think you think I'm weak.

I think that sometimes when I touch you, you'll push me away like you did once in the middle of night. I think that when you're angry you say things to hurt me on purpose because you know I can't take it. I think that you don't think I'm smart. I think that you look for reasons to dislike what I'm wearing. I think that you're too critical of me. I think that you dislike me sometimes.

I wonder why you're with me.

I wonder why you'd stay with me if there's so much about me that you'd rather have erased. I wonder why sometimes you use this patronising tone when you speak to me - like I'm a seven year old child. I wonder if I ask you for too much. I wonder if I'm asking for too little. I wonder whether you'd ever miss me if I was gone. I wonder if you love me as much as I love you. I wonder whether you really love me or whether you love me because I love you. I wonder whether you think about the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone.

I wish you'd just say you're sorry.

I wish you'd appreciate that I think you're handsome. I wish you'd just say thank you, sometimes. I wish you didn't always have to know something better or smarter than me. I wish that you didn't always HAVE to have the last say in an argument. I wish that you wouldn't be so stubborn - especially when I'm trying my best to compromise. I wish you wouldn't accuse me of misunderstanding you every time I ask you a question. I wish you'd say you love me first. I wish I didn't just hear you say that I'm beautiful once. I wish that I'd believed you when you told me that one time.

I imagine that we'll never be apart.

But my reality is different. I've allowed you to extract small pieces of me that I may never get back. I imagine that a lifetime with you would be tiring and harmful to my heart. I NEVER imagined that it would be hard from the start.

I am here.