ugly on the inside

When people see the green eyes,
they don't see that the eyes are transparant,
that there is sadness in her eyes,
that she's holding back her tears...

When people hear the infectious laugh,
they don't hear the deception with which it is inflicted,
that she isn't laughing with them,
but that they are laughing at her...

When people feel the soft hands,
they don't feel the ice it is fighting so hard no to expose.

When people listen to the stories she tells,
they don't hear the lies behind...

People see what they want to see,
No one wants what no one wants,

It's so easy to be percieved as beautiful
when you're ugly on the inside.

we never leave, they do

It's a funny thing, falling in love...
We find ourselves hopelessly dreamy, singing in the shower, smiling through breakfast, talking to people we don't normally speak to,
Oddly enough we find ourselves spending more time checking our cell phones than anything else, and texting our significant other more than we'd like to admit...Its a funny thing falling in love, but it feels so good...
Making love and having him say "i love you" and meaning it, having him make your coffee, not the way you like it, but its ok because he tried.Having him suprise you with flowers just because he can and inviting you to dinner with his friends so he can show you off...
Lovely isn't it?
When you feel so wanted and needed...
Until it stops.He stops calling all times of the day and you feel lucky if he calls at all,
When you say "i love you" at the end of a phone call he grunts and says goodbye,
doesn't tell you about where his going anymore, but his busy every Friday night, even on your anniversary,
He forgets your birthday, and when you remind him, clearly upset, he says "whats your problem? I made a mistake"
When his answer to your questions are, "whatever and ok"We never notice it at first when it stops, and then it happens...
He leaves...
And we ask ourselves,"what happened...?"
When we should have seen it coming!
When its over, we ought to know...

Ages of a first time...

He has piercing eyes...
They stare at the thoughts inside your head,
the thoughts you don't want him to see...you can see he wants to hold you, to touch you, to feel your body against his,
but you can't get too close,
His touch burns...
It feels like dry ice...
It's hard and it hurts because it's loveless.
He's using your body for his refuge and taking a piece of your soul everytime he says,
"I love you"
You believe his words and you smile...but not a happy smile... its fear
He can see it too...
He says, "don't be scared, I won't hurt you"
So you let him in... inside you,
you feel his breath hard and urgent on your neckand you open up when he pressures to be further in you...
You cry inside when he pushes deeper
and when he releases his energy in your soul,
you feel dirty and cheap...
"don't worry," he says, "it won't hurt the next time" ...
And you wonder when the pain will end...
Will it be when he leaves you with the bruises of a broken heart?
Will it be when you spend your life re-living that moment in your mind and wonder whether everyone can see right through you...?
Can you remeber the last time he looked at you with love...?
Did he ever look at you with love...?
Did he ever love you...?
You need to be needed like you need him to need you.
"I HATE YOU!" you tell him in your mind...
He has piercing eyes yes,
they see into your heart,he knows your secret,
you love him...
and then he walks away,
He doesn't say goodbye...
You meet "Mr Right", but he comes at a price though...

Your integrity

commitment phobia... pathetic!

In situations where one has no control of the end result, it becomes frustratin when you feel as though the end result could have been different had you been aware of the circumstances...
For instance, i didn't know he had no intention of being in any kind of committed relationship, because had i known, i would have decided then and there that there was an oppertunity there for us to grow.
Instead i found that he was eager to please me, emotionally and was "courting" me in sense.He said the right things, but never made promises...
He oohed and aaahed at the right places, complimented the right outfits and laughed at the appropriate jokes.
The problem however was, as i sit here writing this, i have no idea whether he was being genuine or whether he was being artificial already by that time.
The problem many woman have with relationships is that we always think they'll be afraid to commit, so we don't push them, in order to preserve our own integrity and to feed their ever growing ego...

He didn't seem to have commitment phobia though, and was quite open to being in a kind of "open, not-too-serious " relationship with me.
So what i don't understand here is,what the hell went in wrong in the space between,"yes, i wanna be with you" and the now non-existant phone calls, messages and emails...
I am currently confused.I have been seeing him for the past 3 months and in this time have come to know him as the "guy i'm with" and not exactly my boyfriend.. "yet"
Things were fine until i told him how i felt.He asked me to be honest, and i was... so what the hell was the damn problem...?
As soon as i said i wanted "stabilty" the phone calls stopped...

Is this an indictaion of serious commitment phobia or a sign that he wants to be in a relationship, just not with me.?

These questions will reside in my mind while i give him the silent treatment and try to move on and forget his sorry ass...
What a loser!

he loves me

It was pouring rain in the middle of summer,the kind that comes after a hot day ,when the ground steams with heatand you can still feel the warmth on the ground that the sun kissed during the day...

all the stars were out,and the moon was full and bright...
there were no clouds in the sky,not a single one...

he called to say he was outside,
waiting for me...
a suprise visit!

I unlocked the door and opened the gate,leaving the tv on,I knew i'd only be a minute...
we hadn't been together long
and i was excited to see him,i fluffed my hair, licked my lips and ran to the idling car,
throwing caution to the wind as i let my hair get wet in the rain
I walked to the door, but it was locked,I knocked on the window,
but he was getting out of the car...
"what are you doing?" i asked, "you'll get sick!"

he walked toward me and gave me a hug,he squeezed me so tightly, i said,"you're crazy!"
it was raining harder now...
he smiled, i smiled, he laughed and looked at the sky... and put his hand on my heart.i looked at him, puzzled, "what are you doing?"

he said, "just close your eyes and listen to me..."

I closed my eyes...

"you're safe, you're needed, you're wanted," he whispered in my ear...
"you're beautiful," he said when i opened my eyes...

he kissed me softly, i hardly felt his lips when he pulled awayand then he took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes,his eyes were shining...

I looked away...

he pulled me closer and asked me to look into his eyes,
"i can feel your heart beat," he said
"i can feel yours," i laughed at his expression...he was soaking...

"i love you," he said

and thats when my forever started...
in his arms
in the rain
under the stars and the moon
soaking wet
and i thought...

he loves me...