the heart harvested #2

I’m scared

i walk and i think and i say "ok, i'll do it, i'll call the wedding off, i'll go to the police, get a restraining order, i'll call my mother, tell her the truth and, well, it'll be ok"
i walk and i think and i say, "no, i can't! i'm scared"
so i walk and i think and i go into the laundromat, drop off his suit, pick up his shirts and greet the old lady whose been drycleaning his clothes for the past 7 years,
i leave and i think and i walk and i think and i run into his brother
"hi" he says holding his 2 year old daughter in his arms, the sun burns my face
"hello" i say, my face toward the sun, avoiding his eyes i look at his baby, i'd love to have one,
before he makes conversation i make and excuse and i walk away, i want a baby, i want to live a normal life and i want to set things straight, so i walk home.

i sit on the stairs and wait for 7 o'clock, he'll be home soon.
i've set the table, i'v made the food, i've chilled the wine, i've set out his after-work clothes, i've programmed the tv to play his shows and i'v bathed, dressed in home-makers clothes awaiting his arrival
i have become his puppet
and i am scared.

he arrives, i smile
"hi baby," he says, his tone patronises me
i don't respond, instead i take his hand and take him to the dining room, i sit him down and blindfold him, i kiss his lips and i walk to the end of the kitchen

"remember when you hit me the first time?" i ask in a soft voice
his body goes rigid
"what the fuck is this?"
he stammers because when he takes the blindfold off i am holding his gun