I'm afraid to say what I feel.
I'm afraid to touch you. I'm afraid to make you angry. I'm afraid of looking or sounding stupid. I'm afraid that you'll hate what I'm wearing, or how I look. I cringe right before you tell me what you think of something because I KNOW that there'll be criticism there. I'm afraid that if I tell you what I think sometimes, you'll shoot me down. I'm afraid that you'll think my ideas are stupid. I'm afraid that you think I'm stupid. I'm afraid that you don't see everything you want to see in me.
I think you think I'm weak.
I think that sometimes when I touch you, you'll push me away like you did once in the middle of night. I think that when you're angry you say things to hurt me on purpose because you know I can't take it. I think that you don't think I'm smart. I think that you look for reasons to dislike what I'm wearing. I think that you're too critical of me. I think that you dislike me sometimes.
I wonder why you're with me.
I wonder why you'd stay with me if there's so much about me that you'd rather have erased. I wonder why sometimes you use this patronising tone when you speak to me - like I'm a seven year old child. I wonder if I ask you for too much. I wonder if I'm asking for too little. I wonder whether you'd ever miss me if I was gone. I wonder if you love me as much as I love you. I wonder whether you really love me or whether you love me because I love you. I wonder whether you think about the difference between being IN LOVE and loving someone.
I wish you'd just say you're sorry.
I wish you'd appreciate that I think you're handsome. I wish you'd just say thank you, sometimes. I wish you didn't always have to know something better or smarter than me. I wish that you didn't always HAVE to have the last say in an argument. I wish that you wouldn't be so stubborn - especially when I'm trying my best to compromise. I wish you wouldn't accuse me of misunderstanding you every time I ask you a question. I wish you'd say you love me first. I wish I didn't just hear you say that I'm beautiful once. I wish that I'd believed you when you told me that one time.
I imagine that we'll never be apart.
But my reality is different. I've allowed you to extract small pieces of me that I may never get back. I imagine that a lifetime with you would be tiring and harmful to my heart. I NEVER imagined that it would be hard from the start.
I am here.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
My Pain
My pain is only a reflection of what I've been through holding tightly onto my faith in you. There's no other reason why I would remain involved in the highs and lows of a love with you that I have fought viciously to keep. My pain is only a reflection of the battles I have faced deep within my own self, battles that I had no reason to face before I had to endure this pain. My pain is a result of your weakness for truth. Your weakness for commitment. Your weakness for faith in something that was so guaranteed to succeed, even the odds were speechless. My pain silently gnaws at the walls I've built around me heart because the cement is so fresh that it hasn't even dried yet. And yet here you are, speaking of your hurt, your pain, your inability to sleep at night because it keeps you awake. Did it keep you awake and wondering around like an insomniac when she was naked in your bed, wrapped up in your t-shirt, warm and happy and safe? Did it pain you then? MY PAIN trumps your pain! My pain comes from chapters in my story, all mixed up in closure and recovery, healed and wounded again by you. That's my pain. My pain smells, feels, tastes and sounds like the syllables in your name; every vowel and consonant enunciated impeccably so that I will never forget. That's MY PAIN. My pain breathes fire at your pathetic excuses from heartache because my pain has been reused, recycled, reburned and rebattered. My pain has been rebruised and retarded by you. And yet, I should never blame you for my pain? When I made the decision to face the universe both fearless and filled with love. What kind of person would I be if the pain I feel let me blame you? You will never understand that this pain, the pain that I feel soaks my heart in its lava daily, always remembering that taste. That scent. That sound. That touch. My pain only knows you. Only you can cause this kind of pain. And I will never forgive you.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Unbearable amounts of anxiety
difficult to find a surface area that isn't slippery
there's no grip
concrete is always a better option, any other surface is weak when there's water
sometimes I am the water
i wonder whether you've ever felt water
not sipped or bathed but actually felt it
it has no feeling?
thats what you think
i know better because i know how to be the water that loosens your grip
do you think i'd tamper with your survival?
is that why you lie to me?
is that why you pretend to feel things that you don't really feel?
i don't believe you anymore
i should never have trusted you
you will never survive this water
i will drown you
there's no grip
concrete is always a better option, any other surface is weak when there's water
sometimes I am the water
i wonder whether you've ever felt water
not sipped or bathed but actually felt it
it has no feeling?
thats what you think
i know better because i know how to be the water that loosens your grip
do you think i'd tamper with your survival?
is that why you lie to me?
is that why you pretend to feel things that you don't really feel?
i don't believe you anymore
i should never have trusted you
you will never survive this water
i will drown you
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The last time was too late.
It was as though he knew how to fine tune her mind.
He had the right key to every door. He knew what to find in every room, because he'd been in every room a million times.
He knew every corner, every window, every light bulb and crack in the staircase, as though he had designed it.
He knew where to go to make her see him differently each time he came back into her life.
But he lost track of time between visits, his mind became a haunted house of its own. It was as though she had figured out how to penetrate his mind just as easily.
He awoke one morning to thoughts about her like he'd never experienced before. As though she'd come in the night and planted them there like wild seeds, unruly and liberally bound by the creative fashion of the way she used to love him. He missed her sweet soul.
He decided to enter the dark memoirs of her complicated mind one more time, preparing himself for the grand finale of his rights to visitation. He'd planned to visit one last time and never leave.
But when he tried to unlock the door of the mind that had been searching for his answers for years, she'd already changed the locks. And when he opened his eyes and saw himself alone, he knew that her struggle was over and his had just begun.
He had the right key to every door. He knew what to find in every room, because he'd been in every room a million times.
He knew every corner, every window, every light bulb and crack in the staircase, as though he had designed it.
He knew where to go to make her see him differently each time he came back into her life.
But he lost track of time between visits, his mind became a haunted house of its own. It was as though she had figured out how to penetrate his mind just as easily.
He awoke one morning to thoughts about her like he'd never experienced before. As though she'd come in the night and planted them there like wild seeds, unruly and liberally bound by the creative fashion of the way she used to love him. He missed her sweet soul.
He decided to enter the dark memoirs of her complicated mind one more time, preparing himself for the grand finale of his rights to visitation. He'd planned to visit one last time and never leave.
But when he tried to unlock the door of the mind that had been searching for his answers for years, she'd already changed the locks. And when he opened his eyes and saw himself alone, he knew that her struggle was over and his had just begun.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Life. Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
Many unreachable notions keep me from my fate.
Obstacles with proportions big enough to decide my faith in myself bring me closer to wanting to de-register from life.
What keeps me earthed if not the Earth herself?
What have I done to deserve the gift of living if celebrating the present isn't my vision?
Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
I've dreamed a hundred of these wishful dreams.
I look forward with compassion and understanding for my craft - but my craft is untalented, inexperienced.
Unsmart.
Scare tactics are used to discourage me, I am my own insulter.
I am a runner from all things difficult, be it love or a natural disaster.
I pride myself on listening intently and creating the picture upon a page with descriptive words and enthusiasm and punctuation that would inflame another's greedy mind with questions and answers alike.
What makes me think I know enough to write?
YoungNovember was an impulsive notion to better my imagination. But the result of my ever growing poetic mind has landed me a repulsion for all things good, pure and lovely. Just because my battered heart feels it is unworthy of such privileges. And why?
Because life has cast it's stones at me and I have been too afraid to stand my ground. I'd rather take cover - hide.
And so many unreachable notions will continue to determine my fate as I lay around watching my life pass me by.
Because to stand up and fight for what I believe is the life I know I want is too much of a risk for me. And I cannot stand to lose more of myself than I already have just because I allowed myself to love.
Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
Obstacles with proportions big enough to decide my faith in myself bring me closer to wanting to de-register from life.
What keeps me earthed if not the Earth herself?
What have I done to deserve the gift of living if celebrating the present isn't my vision?
Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
I've dreamed a hundred of these wishful dreams.
I look forward with compassion and understanding for my craft - but my craft is untalented, inexperienced.
Unsmart.
Scare tactics are used to discourage me, I am my own insulter.
I am a runner from all things difficult, be it love or a natural disaster.
I pride myself on listening intently and creating the picture upon a page with descriptive words and enthusiasm and punctuation that would inflame another's greedy mind with questions and answers alike.
What makes me think I know enough to write?
YoungNovember was an impulsive notion to better my imagination. But the result of my ever growing poetic mind has landed me a repulsion for all things good, pure and lovely. Just because my battered heart feels it is unworthy of such privileges. And why?
Because life has cast it's stones at me and I have been too afraid to stand my ground. I'd rather take cover - hide.
And so many unreachable notions will continue to determine my fate as I lay around watching my life pass me by.
Because to stand up and fight for what I believe is the life I know I want is too much of a risk for me. And I cannot stand to lose more of myself than I already have just because I allowed myself to love.
Life.
Life, I tell you is not as easy as it seems.
Friday, April 8, 2011
No one is gonna love you more than I do.
Whether we're here together or worlds apart, we'll love each other like it's an art.
You may be there, while I wait here,
You may be involved with something I wouldn't prefer.
But I am bound to you endlessly.
What we have together, creates eternal memories.
Of both pain and happiness combined. That's what happens when two lives intertwine.
We may not ever belong together. That's probably why we didn't make forever.
But we made it happen, and it all happened so fast.
Sometimes love needs time to live, maybe it doesn't last.
But it was worth every tear and every crack in my armour.
Because as long as I'm existing, I can love you forever.
No one is gonna love you more than I do.
You may be there, while I wait here,
You may be involved with something I wouldn't prefer.
But I am bound to you endlessly.
What we have together, creates eternal memories.
Of both pain and happiness combined. That's what happens when two lives intertwine.
We may not ever belong together. That's probably why we didn't make forever.
But we made it happen, and it all happened so fast.
Sometimes love needs time to live, maybe it doesn't last.
But it was worth every tear and every crack in my armour.
Because as long as I'm existing, I can love you forever.
No one is gonna love you more than I do.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
For the love of Fear
Fear is not a state of mind. Whoever told you that, was a liar.
Fear is the monster you were afraid of as a child, the one who hid under your bed in the middle of the night.
Fear is the the first time you let yourself go, fell in love only to crash and burn into ashes.
Fear is losing something you never knew you had.
Fear is the unexpected.
Fear is not a state of mind, in fact Fear is a curse from the forces that deliver bad luck.
Fear wraps its claws around the only remainder of sanity you have and amputates it from your body, limb for limb.
Fear is thinking you've finally won, when you know you're about to lose everything.
Fear is the one thing that may never be cured and the one disease we'll all suffer from.
Forever.
Fear is the monster you were afraid of as a child, the one who hid under your bed in the middle of the night.
Fear is the the first time you let yourself go, fell in love only to crash and burn into ashes.
Fear is losing something you never knew you had.
Fear is the unexpected.
Fear is not a state of mind, in fact Fear is a curse from the forces that deliver bad luck.
Fear wraps its claws around the only remainder of sanity you have and amputates it from your body, limb for limb.
Fear is thinking you've finally won, when you know you're about to lose everything.
Fear is the one thing that may never be cured and the one disease we'll all suffer from.
Forever.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Waiting for the rain to come.
She was a flower seed that never had the chance to grow.
She knew her turn would come, but she waited in vain for the rain to fall.
All she wanted was to be washed with clean water, free from old soil and compost.
She wanted to grow tall, the way she ought to be.
She waited in fragile desperation for the little droplets of water to make their way from the cloudless skies.
The chains that were holding her into the earth were beginning to deteriorate; she was starting to lose her strength.
She longed for happiness that came with the sun.
But today gravity released her.
Today she felt freedom touch her crimson petals.
First they were soft gentle tears from the heavens, then gushes of overwhelming weeping from the forces of nature.
“When it rains it pours,” her mother used to say...
And she learned that to flourish, she had to open her eyes and then her heart.
She loved again.
She loved herself.
She became whole.
She knew she’d always be, a Rose.
She knew her turn would come, but she waited in vain for the rain to fall.
All she wanted was to be washed with clean water, free from old soil and compost.
She wanted to grow tall, the way she ought to be.
She waited in fragile desperation for the little droplets of water to make their way from the cloudless skies.
The chains that were holding her into the earth were beginning to deteriorate; she was starting to lose her strength.
She longed for happiness that came with the sun.
But today gravity released her.
Today she felt freedom touch her crimson petals.
First they were soft gentle tears from the heavens, then gushes of overwhelming weeping from the forces of nature.
“When it rains it pours,” her mother used to say...
And she learned that to flourish, she had to open her eyes and then her heart.
She loved again.
She loved herself.
She became whole.
She knew she’d always be, a Rose.
Monday, February 28, 2011
She was too precious
He always looked at her like she was the only being in his vision. This was both a blessing and a curse. He was bound to her, deeply involved in her and intoxicated with his love for her.
She was a bad decision. She mistreated and misunderstood him, but he never left her.
She was such a painful thought and she hurt him everyday.
She made him feel like he was nothing and yet her perfection was the reason he felt he had to stay.
She was too precious and she didn't deserve him but he loved her and even though that was his only justification, it was the onlyone that mattered.
She was a bad decision. She mistreated and misunderstood him, but he never left her.
She was such a painful thought and she hurt him everyday.
She made him feel like he was nothing and yet her perfection was the reason he felt he had to stay.
She was too precious and she didn't deserve him but he loved her and even though that was his only justification, it was the onlyone that mattered.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
upside down love
i hate that i wait
i hate that i care
i hate that
i know that
i want you here
i hate that when you text
i wish you'd just call
i hate that wanting you around means so much more
than anything
or anyone
or everything
and everyone.
i hate that it's been long enough to remember
i hate how the memories make my heart feel tender
and weak
and sad
and bleak
and mad
i hate how i make excuses in my head
of why you did the things you did
i hate how it hardly matters at all
i hate how easy it is to fall
i hate that i'm so in love with you
i hate it
especially because of the rollercoaster i road for you.
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it so much
but what i hate much more is how you diminish that hate
and gain my trust
and make me feel like a field of yellow daisies
happy and free
and completely fearless.
i hate what i hate but i'd never hate you
i hate that i care
i hate that
i know that
i want you here
i hate that when you text
i wish you'd just call
i hate that wanting you around means so much more
than anything
or anyone
or everything
and everyone.
i hate that it's been long enough to remember
i hate how the memories make my heart feel tender
and weak
and sad
and bleak
and mad
i hate how i make excuses in my head
of why you did the things you did
i hate how it hardly matters at all
i hate how easy it is to fall
i hate that i'm so in love with you
i hate it
especially because of the rollercoaster i road for you.
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it so much
but what i hate much more is how you diminish that hate
and gain my trust
and make me feel like a field of yellow daisies
happy and free
and completely fearless.
i hate what i hate but i'd never hate you
Less than perfect
You make me feel happy
You make me feel sad
When I think about the way you make me feel,
I feel bad.
I was never good enough,
always a second thought,
always the last option,
practically a last resort.
You make me feel excited,
but you crush my dreams.
You make me see myself differently to what I may seem.
But that isn't a good thing,
it's not good at all
You make me feel like I'm running a race
that I'm doomed to fail
You underestimate my strength
because my weakness is you
You make me feel not good enough
Not good enough for you
You always keep me waiting
You always call to late
You always think that it's ok to just let me wait.
You never say your sorry
You never take the blame
You never reassure my heart that things won't be the same
My emotions overflow for you
hate and happiness alike
my anger for you turns to passion as soon as our flame re-ignites
All the things you told me,
the secrets and the truths,
they're now all big back lies to me and I feel like the fool!
I feel less than perfect
Every. Single. Day.
I struggle with my heart and mind
How did I become this way?
Waiting up for hours
waiting for your calls
waiting for your next exit
awaiting your withdrawals
waiting for you to leave me
for the umpteenth time, again
I feel les than perfect,
but who am I to blame?
Would it be impulsive
to constantly blame you
After all this time and hurt I've gone through due to you.
It would be a lie if I said I no longer care
because I care a great deal
and that's what makes me scared.
Less that perfect
battered and torn
emotionally savaged
creatively bored
slightly overweight
sad eyes and everything
This is what I hate:
I want to be here
still in love with you
because that's the thing I do best
Just. Loving. You.
Being your safe haven,
the getaway you need.
The place you can escape to,
if ever you need.
I may be les than perfect
but I don't think you care
because I like to think that in some odd way;
You. Need. Me. Here.
Waiting in the shadows,
just in case you fall.
Waiting in imperfection,
Just. In. Case. You. Fall.
You make me feel sad
When I think about the way you make me feel,
I feel bad.
I was never good enough,
always a second thought,
always the last option,
practically a last resort.
You make me feel excited,
but you crush my dreams.
You make me see myself differently to what I may seem.
But that isn't a good thing,
it's not good at all
You make me feel like I'm running a race
that I'm doomed to fail
You underestimate my strength
because my weakness is you
You make me feel not good enough
Not good enough for you
You always keep me waiting
You always call to late
You always think that it's ok to just let me wait.
You never say your sorry
You never take the blame
You never reassure my heart that things won't be the same
My emotions overflow for you
hate and happiness alike
my anger for you turns to passion as soon as our flame re-ignites
All the things you told me,
the secrets and the truths,
they're now all big back lies to me and I feel like the fool!
I feel less than perfect
Every. Single. Day.
I struggle with my heart and mind
How did I become this way?
Waiting up for hours
waiting for your calls
waiting for your next exit
awaiting your withdrawals
waiting for you to leave me
for the umpteenth time, again
I feel les than perfect,
but who am I to blame?
Would it be impulsive
to constantly blame you
After all this time and hurt I've gone through due to you.
It would be a lie if I said I no longer care
because I care a great deal
and that's what makes me scared.
Less that perfect
battered and torn
emotionally savaged
creatively bored
slightly overweight
sad eyes and everything
This is what I hate:
I want to be here
still in love with you
because that's the thing I do best
Just. Loving. You.
Being your safe haven,
the getaway you need.
The place you can escape to,
if ever you need.
I may be les than perfect
but I don't think you care
because I like to think that in some odd way;
You. Need. Me. Here.
Waiting in the shadows,
just in case you fall.
Waiting in imperfection,
Just. In. Case. You. Fall.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Panic!!!
Just a couple of months shy of official
Less time than the last one took to love me
Too much pressure to deal
Anxiety attacks me
I want to love you, but you can’t handle this
I may be too much for you – be scared! Be scared of me!!
Obvious gestures
Unsubtle all the time
I love you has never meant so little to this battered old soul
Can’t breathe
Must be set free
Air! Air! Please...
You’ll sacrifice an entire universe for me break it in two if you have to.
Why?
I didn’t ask you to!
Don’t do me any favours, I cannot repay you.
Here it comes
Here comes the fear of the settle
Here comes commitment...
There’s no way out!
Less time than the last one took to love me
Too much pressure to deal
Anxiety attacks me
I want to love you, but you can’t handle this
I may be too much for you – be scared! Be scared of me!!
Obvious gestures
Unsubtle all the time
I love you has never meant so little to this battered old soul
Can’t breathe
Must be set free
Air! Air! Please...
You’ll sacrifice an entire universe for me break it in two if you have to.
Why?
I didn’t ask you to!
Don’t do me any favours, I cannot repay you.
Here it comes
Here comes the fear of the settle
Here comes commitment...
There’s no way out!
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