and then i met you my portrait of love

i was stuck in bad habits, too blind to see the obvious warning signs of falling deeper and losing my control. we are all hard headed when we're in love and when we try to fight it, we create disasters resulting in break-ups and then turning around to make-up. we go against the right things we should do, caught in a moment letting our souls become uncut, roughened up stones. I knew it was time for a change, i saw it coming from miles away, i awaited the loud thrashing of my barriers breaking, my mind and heart secretly letting my control slip through my fingers. the realisation; i wanna be swallowed by a stare so that i can hardly breath and some how want to be willing to do the things you want, for you to spoon feed my heart. a love i wanna be involved with, dangerous and deadly, where there's no turning back and the pillow i cry on is your chest. i am aware that my dreams were and probably are so far fetched and obscure. i am odd, silly, romantic. and then i met you. i fell in love i realised my mistakes and now i need to assess the damage. i'm sorry, i always have to go, but always will love you. my portrait of love.

a woman. a friend

even though she weeps,
she is strong,

even though she can never decide,
she is certain,

even when she's down and out
she'll give me her hand,

even when she's tired,
she'll carry me home,
put me to bed and stay with me,

even in her darkest hour,
she'll make sure i'm okay

even when i do all the wrongs,
she'll never judge me,
and when all the pieces of my puzzle fall apart,
she picks them up,
glues them together and hands them to me on a silver platter,

even when i shout at her,
get angry with her,
envy and discourage her,
she'll understand, listen, care

even though she knows all my secrets,
she will never tell a soul,

even when i tell her to go away,
stay away,
she won't,
not ever,

she's a woman,
one of the greatest i know,
she knows me,
sometimes better than i know myself,

she's always ready to listen,
to advise,
to protect,

she's my best friend.

'it didn't mean anything'

i saw him holding her hand,
touching her face,
kissing her lips,
peeling off her clothes,
kissing her neck,
her shoulders,
her breasts,
caressing her back,
tracing his fingers along her lips...
he kissed her harder,
urgently pulling her clothes from her body,
sliding his hands up her skirt,
he lifted her onto the counter...
she smiled at him,
seductively,
he unzipped his pants... fast
kissed her,
held her,
fucked her

she was moaning,
screaming,
shouting his name,
he was moving inside her,
fast then slow,
then fast,
he was whispering in her ear...
she was smiling,
laughing,
wanting
she let out a loud moan...
and then...

they stopped,

she dressed herself,
walked to the bathroom,
fixed her hair
and they left,
holding hands,
smiling...

tomorrow i'll ask him,
he will deny everything...
and when i say, "i saw you!"
he will say,

"it didn't mean anything."

unnofficially us

you always ask me not to run,
to stay,
"its safer here," you say
"here with me"
and i believe,
i believe you,

we kiss,
we touch,
we play,
we share secrets,
our bond unspoken,
but known to you and to me,
yet there is no label on our aged,
matured,
distilled bottle of sweet red wine.

in me you trust and open up,
you give me all your love,
i believe,
i love,
i trust,
i cherish,
and then,
i cry,

because although i no longer run,
and i am safe,
i am not
entirely sure,
entirely secure,
entirely out of the danger zone,
because i am not entirely yours.

to belong is not to love,
because you can love
and never belong.

the lady with the colourful eyes

she looks at me with daring dark brown eyes,
they're her anger eyes,
she speaks volumes with that stare
behind her expressionless face,
they are plastered with a fierce force,
maternity

they turn a lighter shade of autumn,
when she looks at her first born,
a new born she is,
with the eyes of blue,
she gave her those eyes,
her grandmother had them once too,

her sadness creates an olive brown,
sorrow stricken and hostile,
they're present when she weeps,
and when she doesn't,
they're evident

when they are the colour of autumn leaves,
and the colour clouds her smile,
she's happier than you could ever possibly be,
she's in the presence of her little sunshine,
looking into the eyes of pureness and
secrecy,

the lady with the colourful eyes,
shares her secrets with me,

she's my mother,
and her daughter,
i am she

the comprehension of love

Love has been taken lightly,
a word abused by abusers,
assaulted by assaulters,
adultered by adulterers...

always being threatened by outside forces
people who are so consumed by their own miseries
they can't stand the thought of someone owning a happiness all their own,

stripped,
violated and hurt,by infidelity

and yet it exists,
even within me and within you,

it is built on trust
Honesty
Faithfulness
Compassion
Understanding
Communication.

There are different types of love.
But the best & the worst is the unconditional kind,

Because no matter how much the one you love hurts you
physically,
mentally,
or both
You love them.

Love has been trialed,
tested,
convicted and sentenced...
been found guilty of one thing,
disturbing the peace,

although not all love is bad

At one point in time,
the love one falls upon is new & exciting
something we wouldn't trade for anything in the world
Till it begins to cost you your sanity&
your self-worth.

ironic though isn't it?
that the one thing that brings your mind to a state of contentment brings the same amount of permanent insanity and obessession...
i fear nothing,
and yet i fear love.

by Jenn Cruz & Tamsin Wort

imagine.

I imagine you looking into my eyes, smelling my hair, touching my skin, hearing my me laugh, tasting my lips,
I imagine you smiling at me, closing your eyes when you hold me, humming when you fall asleep beside me,
I imagine you whispering "you're perfect," in my ear, everytime you have the chance and watching in amusement as I stop whatever I'm doing and tell you, "no, you are"

I imagine you and me,
sharing love,
giving love,
making love,

I imagine u taking my hand, leading me into your world,
making us a world of our own,
you teaching me things about you, life, the world,
everything you know

I imagine waking up with the scent of you on my skin,
on my pillow,
in my bed
and you asleep in my covers... beautiful

I imagine your hands, strong, but delicately designed to write all the beautiful things you write and your heart to be made of the rarest diamonds,
because it alone outshines every gift I've ever recieved.

I imagine you telling me your childhood secrets and laughing at mine,
us talking over coffee,
smiling,
flirting,
loving...

I imagine you in front of me eyes wide and happy when I tell you,
hey mr perfect, I'm in love with you*

what do you call that feeling...

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart explodes and overflows with a substance sweeter than the finest honey and all you want is to savor the taste...

And it unravels itself from the vines and weeds that have bind themselves around it so tightly any attempt to manually remove them would have resulted in a disaster

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart is so overwhelmed with an amount of happiness that is the equivalent of jewels and treasures to kings and queens...

And it shines through your eyes, your movement and your smile emitting hope for dreams, possibilities and ideas to realise potential you had no comprehension of, within yourself

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart skips a beat, your palms clam up and there are butterflies in your tummy...

And you walk to your own backround music, a theme of songs relating only to you, your mind, your body and your soul

What do you call that feeling you get when your heart experiences pure ecstacy with the existance of his creativity, his words, his heart, him...

That feeling could be love, possibly, but if it isn't...
its pretty damn close!

just my luck*

with all the lucky stars,
four leaf clovers and birthday candles
i've always had one wish,
a wish for true love...
it is yet to come.
now i know that my fate is in the hands writing these words...
he isn't perfect,
he's damaged,
a disaster,
but he's there,
all of him...
Our love has never been tested,
in fact its still to be known...
i know nothing for sure,
only that he thinks i'm perfect...

the heart, harvested

he grabbed her and hand and lead her into the room,
"sit down,"he said,
she sat on the bed, waited...
and then it came, the hard blow to her upper lip and the second to her abdomen, she'd misbehaved again...
"i'm sorry!"she screamed and screamed over and over,
he didn't listen.
"i love you!" he shouted above her sobs,
"i love you and you keep hurting me!" he started to cry as he beat her,
they both heard the crack of her rib as she fell to the floor,
"baby, you're killing me," she whispered
"please stop!" she cried a little louder
he ignored her, draggin her across the room to the bathroom,
"get cleaned up, we're going out..."
she lay in the bath,
submersed completely in steaming hot water and thought about not getting up...
"what if i stayed here?" she asked herself,
"what if i just didn't get up...
"what if i didn't breath...?"
but there it was again,
the voice of reason,
"hurry the fuck up!
"she thought she'd try to make a change as she rubbed her strawberry smelling lotion on her scarred body, as she pulled up her lacy black leggings he bought her for valentines day,she thought she'd fix it as she slid into his favourite red dress and let her long dark hair down her back, she thought she'd make it all better as she slipped into the black crocodile heels and picked up her bag,
"i'll make him see," she said to herself as she dabbed the fruit scented perfume behind her ears and down her breasts,
she walked down the stairs,
he was waiting for her...
"where are we going?" she asked,
he didn't answer
"hey... where are we going?"
she asked again, he didn't answer.
he opened the front door, there was a limo outside,
black, velvet and classy,
she opened the door herslef and climbed inside without a word...
he climbed in after.
"i want you to behave tonight" he said sternly
and didn't speak again until the car stopped.

the restaurant was packed,
there was laughter and conversation everywhere,
he guided her to a table in the back,
where the room was lit ever so slightly...
she sat down,
she waited for him to take his seat,
but he didn't,
"i'll be right back" he said and disappeared into the front of the restaurant,
"this is my chance she thought as she reached into her bag for her lip gloss,
"i need to do it now...
"the waiter arrived and asked what she wanted to drink,
she knew better than to order without him,
so she smiled and shook her head,
he returned instantly,
"what was that?" he asked,
"what was what?" she looked puzzled,
he put his hand to her face, she flinched,
he caressed her cheek,
"i told you to behave" he said smiling, he pulled her ear hard,
"don't make me angry..."he sat down and reached for her knee under the table,
he pinched her...
"ouch!" she gasped...he ignored her once again.

when the waiter returned he ordered a bottle of sweet whiite wine,
"make sure its chilled," he said in his professional voice and the waiter walked away...

after the third glass of wine, her head was spinning,
"i need to do this now," she thought...
"hey... " she took his hand,
"can i talk to you about something real quick?"
he looked at her with daring eyes and smiled,
"marry me?"
his words were not a question,
his eyes were not asking,
his grip was not gentle,
his smile not inviting,
but she heard herself say...
"okay..."

the good time girl

the good time girl is gorgeous,
she has decieving eyes, full cherry lips and long satin hair,

the good time girl laughs and smiles and oozes flair,

the good time girl dances like there's no tomorrow,
always the life of the party,

the good time girl is smart,
she only buys versace,

your money she spends,
your time she takes,
she always game for the next date

she'll kiss and touch and sometimes go all the way,
but the good time girl doesn't stay,

she awaits the arrival
of the next"mr right-now"
and off show she goes on nights
on the town,

taking his time, his money and his heart,
she never utters the words,
"never shall we part"

because off she goes into the night,
with the next edition of mr right...

she cries when she's alone,
wondering about love,
she asks for answers from someone above,

she claims to not know and not to care,
about the nameless faces that have smelt her hair,
that have kissed her lips and given her their souls,

she knows she'll never break the mould
that has crafted itself around her heart,
see?
i told you,
the good time girl was smart,

she knows how it feels to have it broken,
by the words she has never spoken,

she'll never fall in love with you or the other,
not after the hurt she recieved from another,

you'll give her all you can possibly give,
you'll promise her love and always to live
with her in your heart,
that you're never to part
and you'll tell her these things from the start,

but she won't believe you,
or the other,
the love she wants is from another,

he's far away,
he couldn't stay,
so the good time girl is all for play,

take her out and make her smile,
the good time girl will only be here for a while...

in one night

i knew that he wasn't available to begin with, thats what made him so intriguing,

He wasn't hesitant during the night,
watching me dance and passing my drinks ,
sitting close to me in the car on the journey home,
No one seemed to notice the chemistry though,
our friends,
they were all so elated by the night and its antiques that we found ourselves in a world belonging entirely to him and me...

Like friends we flirted without words...
Harmless gestures like, silent glances, very innocent, but all so sweet...
My conscience seemed to fade as quickly as the sun set,
and as the stars settled and the night aged,
we became more and more aware of one another

The glances became meaningful stares,
more intense,
pouring through my eyes, into me...
telling me more than i'd allowed myself to imagine

He was shy, reserved and soft spoken,
he didn't say much,
but what he did say mattered

When he later took my hand and held it,
he did so secretly,
rubbing the insides of my palms with his thumbs,
i smiled from the inside out...
How could this young man, younger than i, be so...adorable!

I initiated our first kiss,
we were alone...
in his home,
in the living room,
it was dark, i couldn't see,
but i was guided by his scent and taken by his deliverance of the most perfect first kiss...
the softness touched my caged, enclosed, ever mending heart

Soon we were caught up in one another,
using all of our five senses...
Our eyes, to look and search for the reasons for our actions,
Our ears listening to the hastening of our own breathing,
Our fingers, touching all the secret places our bodies hid,
intertwined in one anothers,
tasting what could only be described as the forbidden fruit in the mysterious garden of Eden.

He smelled wonderful...
I removed all thoughts from my mind
and became consumed in the reckless yet sweet motions between us,
He was beautiful,
in every movement and moment and glance,

He was romancing me,
and i was supposed to be the romancer

When reality eased its way back to me, and i lay, ready to fall asleep,
aware of his presence in the room,
even though he was no longer next to me,
i knew we made love that night,
and for the first time in my life,
i felt like it.

I knew that the next day what we experienced would be a blur,
and he'd have to go back to her,
but that night he was mine,
he belonged to me, and made me feel as though
i could,
should
and would,
be treated like the angel he made me...

In one night, i fell
in one night i fell in love.

ugly on the inside

When people see the green eyes,
they don't see that the eyes are transparant,
that there is sadness in her eyes,
that she's holding back her tears...

When people hear the infectious laugh,
they don't hear the deception with which it is inflicted,
that she isn't laughing with them,
but that they are laughing at her...

When people feel the soft hands,
they don't feel the ice it is fighting so hard no to expose.

When people listen to the stories she tells,
they don't hear the lies behind...

People see what they want to see,
No one wants what no one wants,

It's so easy to be percieved as beautiful
when you're ugly on the inside.

we never leave, they do

It's a funny thing, falling in love...
We find ourselves hopelessly dreamy, singing in the shower, smiling through breakfast, talking to people we don't normally speak to,
Oddly enough we find ourselves spending more time checking our cell phones than anything else, and texting our significant other more than we'd like to admit...Its a funny thing falling in love, but it feels so good...
Making love and having him say "i love you" and meaning it, having him make your coffee, not the way you like it, but its ok because he tried.Having him suprise you with flowers just because he can and inviting you to dinner with his friends so he can show you off...
Lovely isn't it?
When you feel so wanted and needed...
Until it stops.He stops calling all times of the day and you feel lucky if he calls at all,
When you say "i love you" at the end of a phone call he grunts and says goodbye,
doesn't tell you about where his going anymore, but his busy every Friday night, even on your anniversary,
He forgets your birthday, and when you remind him, clearly upset, he says "whats your problem? I made a mistake"
When his answer to your questions are, "whatever and ok"We never notice it at first when it stops, and then it happens...
He leaves...
And we ask ourselves,"what happened...?"
When we should have seen it coming!
When its over, we ought to know...

Ages of a first time...

He has piercing eyes...
They stare at the thoughts inside your head,
the thoughts you don't want him to see...you can see he wants to hold you, to touch you, to feel your body against his,
but you can't get too close,
His touch burns...
It feels like dry ice...
It's hard and it hurts because it's loveless.
He's using your body for his refuge and taking a piece of your soul everytime he says,
"I love you"
You believe his words and you smile...but not a happy smile... its fear
He can see it too...
He says, "don't be scared, I won't hurt you"
So you let him in... inside you,
you feel his breath hard and urgent on your neckand you open up when he pressures to be further in you...
You cry inside when he pushes deeper
and when he releases his energy in your soul,
you feel dirty and cheap...
"don't worry," he says, "it won't hurt the next time" ...
And you wonder when the pain will end...
Will it be when he leaves you with the bruises of a broken heart?
Will it be when you spend your life re-living that moment in your mind and wonder whether everyone can see right through you...?
Can you remeber the last time he looked at you with love...?
Did he ever look at you with love...?
Did he ever love you...?
You need to be needed like you need him to need you.
"I HATE YOU!" you tell him in your mind...
He has piercing eyes yes,
they see into your heart,he knows your secret,
you love him...
and then he walks away,
He doesn't say goodbye...
You meet "Mr Right", but he comes at a price though...

Your integrity

commitment phobia... pathetic!

In situations where one has no control of the end result, it becomes frustratin when you feel as though the end result could have been different had you been aware of the circumstances...
For instance, i didn't know he had no intention of being in any kind of committed relationship, because had i known, i would have decided then and there that there was an oppertunity there for us to grow.
Instead i found that he was eager to please me, emotionally and was "courting" me in sense.He said the right things, but never made promises...
He oohed and aaahed at the right places, complimented the right outfits and laughed at the appropriate jokes.
The problem however was, as i sit here writing this, i have no idea whether he was being genuine or whether he was being artificial already by that time.
The problem many woman have with relationships is that we always think they'll be afraid to commit, so we don't push them, in order to preserve our own integrity and to feed their ever growing ego...

He didn't seem to have commitment phobia though, and was quite open to being in a kind of "open, not-too-serious " relationship with me.
So what i don't understand here is,what the hell went in wrong in the space between,"yes, i wanna be with you" and the now non-existant phone calls, messages and emails...
I am currently confused.I have been seeing him for the past 3 months and in this time have come to know him as the "guy i'm with" and not exactly my boyfriend.. "yet"
Things were fine until i told him how i felt.He asked me to be honest, and i was... so what the hell was the damn problem...?
As soon as i said i wanted "stabilty" the phone calls stopped...

Is this an indictaion of serious commitment phobia or a sign that he wants to be in a relationship, just not with me.?

These questions will reside in my mind while i give him the silent treatment and try to move on and forget his sorry ass...
What a loser!

he loves me

It was pouring rain in the middle of summer,the kind that comes after a hot day ,when the ground steams with heatand you can still feel the warmth on the ground that the sun kissed during the day...

all the stars were out,and the moon was full and bright...
there were no clouds in the sky,not a single one...

he called to say he was outside,
waiting for me...
a suprise visit!

I unlocked the door and opened the gate,leaving the tv on,I knew i'd only be a minute...
we hadn't been together long
and i was excited to see him,i fluffed my hair, licked my lips and ran to the idling car,
throwing caution to the wind as i let my hair get wet in the rain
I walked to the door, but it was locked,I knocked on the window,
but he was getting out of the car...
"what are you doing?" i asked, "you'll get sick!"

he walked toward me and gave me a hug,he squeezed me so tightly, i said,"you're crazy!"
it was raining harder now...
he smiled, i smiled, he laughed and looked at the sky... and put his hand on my heart.i looked at him, puzzled, "what are you doing?"

he said, "just close your eyes and listen to me..."

I closed my eyes...

"you're safe, you're needed, you're wanted," he whispered in my ear...
"you're beautiful," he said when i opened my eyes...

he kissed me softly, i hardly felt his lips when he pulled awayand then he took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes,his eyes were shining...

I looked away...

he pulled me closer and asked me to look into his eyes,
"i can feel your heart beat," he said
"i can feel yours," i laughed at his expression...he was soaking...

"i love you," he said

and thats when my forever started...
in his arms
in the rain
under the stars and the moon
soaking wet
and i thought...

he loves me...