The safest place in the world: My Daddy

For every assertive step he takes, my feet take two,
When I walk with my Daddy, insecurities are few.,

He still holds my hand in the palm of his when we cross a busy road,
I bet you that if he could, he'd turn my very prince into a toad,

Just to protect me and love me and give me
everything he can to ensure my security...

His face holds memories, some of which I don't even remember,
Mr, "I'll have my new six-pack abs by September",

He can still sing me to sleep, his voice a lullaby,
The only man I know who, for me, in a heartbeat would die...

My birthdays are affairs to be compared with public holidays,
But no gift, however expensive can compare to my fathers gaze,

The safest place in the world?
His embrace.

And my favourite line:
"Hello Angelface"

Too much, it's all bitter sweet

It tingles on my body, the places your hands touched last night, it aches there too, from longing, i suppose.
I can feel the sensations, the gestures, the movements and the whispers of you on my skin when I move. It's so distracting that it's plaguing my thoughts, interrupting my daily usuals..
I missed you a second before you had to leave, not a minute later would have sufficed. It was only that second I needed to prepare myself.
I always have to prepare myself when you leave - I never know when you'll be back.
I needed you to be sure that it was because you had to that you left and not because you wanted to.
I didn't need you to say that you love me, because I saw it in your eyes after you kissed my eye lids, my nose, my cheeks and settled your whispers on my lips and then smiled that smile of a thousand long stemmed red roses drenched in hope.
I feel terrible about the past, yours and mine, about the way things turned out. But last night erased all that.
There is no past.
There is no future.
There's just the present.
Right here, right now, in this moment...
If you don't see it now, then I don't know how I'll ever show you
You're like a drug to me.
My own personal addiction.
If I close my eyes and think of you, I bet I could breath you in.
I bet I could, and I bet you believe me.
My God, I love you!

stranded in the realm of 'i don't know'

I'm stranded in the realm of 'i don't know' when it comes to telling you the things i want. i know you know that i feel for you, i just don't know if you know how much.
i see you and i hear you, but can't reach you from the wall, this realm as protection of magnificent sorts.
You make your wonders known to me and tell of your adventures. When i listen, i do so tentatively with my undivided attention.
i remember the first time you played for me. Beautiful pictures plagued my mind. But none of you and i were present, because i was still in the realm.
i can't escape it because it thrives on my uncertainty.
i do not dare to utter phrases like 'you and me...'
i am stranded in the realm of 'i don't know'
and i just don't
i just don't know...

it takes time to unlove you.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time not to care,
it takes time to forget the soft texture of your hair,
it takes times not to question whether you're unloving me too,
it takes time not to wonder if our love was ever true,
it takes time not to listen to all your favourite songs,
it takes time not blame myself for all that went wrong,
it's takes time not to hate,
it takes time not to share with you the thoughts that plague my mind of why you're never there.

It takes time to unlove you, to unwant and unneed you,
it takes time not to think, not to wonder, not to breath you,
it takes time not to wake up and dwell in your scent,
it takes time not to cry reading the letters you sent,
it takes time to picture the future alone
it takes time to unravel that life set in stone,
it takes time to unwrite the poems meant for you,
it takes time want nothing to do with the truth.

It takes time to unpicture the curves of your face,
it takes time to unfeel your lips and the taste,
it takes time to undream the sweet fairytales, that now somehow feel like a lifetime in jail.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unremember, the untruths, the unhonesty, the open slander,
it takes time when i loved you irrevocably,
it takes time to uncondition unconditionally.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to uncare,
it takes time to forget the touch of you, bare,
it takes time to unimagine that look in your eyes,
it takes time to accept it was all just a lie.

It takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unlove you,
it takes time to unlove you...
...
..
.

adandoned changes in the reality of loving you.

Too many thoughts of you plague my mind at the same time. Sometimes i can't breath and it suffocates me. When you tell me that you don't love me the way i want you to love me. I am still happy that you even love me at all. The fact that i am in your thoughts make me happier than if you'd ever say you were thinking of me.

You've hurt me, but in order to hurt me you had to have me in mind to hurt. That means i was in your thoughts, in your mind. That means you took me into consideration, that means that in order to hurt me you had to care.

For you not to care, you had to have cared once.
These are the things i am telling myself constantly while i insist that i don't love you.

If there was a way to learn the structure of you smile, down to the last detail and be able to trace it along the palm of my hand... I'd be able to do that.
That is how much i don't love you.

I keep letting go and looking for some form of closure... but it's been there all the time, in the form of you. You are it. The reason i keep having to leave... but the only reason i decide to stay.

I don't understand why i love you so much.
So much that my heart is physically broken.

'the only one whose got enough of me to break my heart...'
-teardrops on my guitar, Taylor Swift.

Dear Love.

Dear love,

You brought such a beautiful gift once; it came in a small package. Laced with hopes of adventure, secured with happiness and inside you gave me the most precious present... you.

He helped me to discover you, to watch and learn from you. He taught me how to take care of you, and in turn, you let me use you to display my heart to him.
The three of us were a fierce spirit. We were something of a presence ourselves weren’t we? I knew from the moment I’d opened you that you’d belong to me forever.

But now you have chosen to go.

I knew that I no longer had any use for you and that you had to eventually move on to keep your own sanity.
People don’t realise that it is not them that loses you, but rather that it you who loses them. That you are the only one who gives everything and expects nothing.
I wish that you didn’t have to go and that we didn’t provoke you. I know you gave us timeless chances and we betrayed you.

You and i can never be friends again love, so this is our final conversation.
Now it’s time for us to part ways and for you to move on. Move on with him, wrap yourself up with happiness and safety and when he displays you to her, smile.
She deserves you more than I do.
Make her happy and overwhelm her heart with serenity and peace.

Most of all, light up their lives with your presence...
So much so that you will never have to leave.

Thank you for finding me.
I will miss you

And i do, i love you..

"Destiny is the bridge you build to the one you love."

There is no way to describe how you love someone.
When words don't give it enough meaning,
and all you want is to;
write every word,
draw every picture,
paint every colour,
catch every falling star, gaze at every rainbow,
sidestep evey ladder,
banish any black cat,
and keep every wishbone for them..

when every love song sounds as though you've written it, chosen the melody and the singer for it..

You celebrate their happiness and cry at their sadnes,
you cherish every moment,
even the insignificant ones,
you memorize their laugh,
their voice,
their scent,
their walk,
the way their smile brightens up the worst part of your day..


When you love someone the way that i love you,
the people from the past no longer matter,
they exist only in the storerooms of ones mind,
growing old and gathering dust..


"There comes a time in your life when you meet someone who divides it, into the time before and after you met them,"
for me that person will always be you..

There is no description for such happiness,
their is only the freedom you have to love,
that moment when you know you've lost all control,
and your emotions float around you like an aura of complete contentment..

There's a moment when you're watching the sun set,
and you can't remember ever being able to see your future so clearly,
a time when you find yourself smiling endlessly, for no apparent reason,

Those butterflies become a constant reminder within you,
a sign of love at it's warmest inside you..

There's that first touch of their hand after their absence,
the way their touch feels on your skin,
that first kiss that always feels like the first kiss,
and tells of all the ways they've missed you,
the way your bodies mold into that perfect shape,
the way it sounds different every single time they say,
"I love you"

There's you and there's me,
And I love you,

Because only you have the ability to take your index finger, dip it into your soul and write on my heart.

And I love you,
And I love you,
And I ...

the heart harvested #4

i was hoping to die actually,
but now they're telling me that i'll live...

i've been here for three weeks,
he's been here everyday,
by my side,
with glasses of water,
roses, red, yellow, white...

white roses are supposed to symbolise peace,
i wonder if he knows that...

i am going home today,
he asked me if he could take me back to 'our home',
he hasn't said 'our home' in years...

i say ok because i am not ready to face my mother,
she's only been to see me twice,
she thinks i need to be evaluated,
she thinks i may be mentally unstable,
my mother thinks i may be mentally unstable,
the thought makes me laugh...

on the drive home he plays our wedding song,
i sing along with the words,
he hums the melody,
i watch him...

a week later we are driving to the hospital again...
we haven't been speaking.

i sleep in our bed,
he sleeps in the guest bedroom.

i watch his facial expressions as he concentrates on the road,
what a serious man, i think...

i don't love him anymore...

the doctor looks at my wound,
he smiles and says i am recovering nicely.

he puts his palm on my belly and asks,
"are you expecting a boy or girl?"

and then i remember that night for the first time...

how he walked over to me holding the gun,
how he kept whispering that he was sorry,
how he took me up to our bedroom, my hand in his...

how he stripped my clothes from my body,
how he ran the bath and washed the anger from my skin,
how he layed me on our bed,
how he turned out the lights,
how he made love to me until my tears were dry,
how he held me tightly until sleep overtook him...

i remembered seeing him alseep, peacefully,
i remembered getting up from our bed,
i remembered walking down to the kitchen,
i remembered sobbing uncontrollably as i emptied his plate into the trash,
i remembered how the cold metal of the gun felt in my hand as i pulled the trigger out of pure frustration...

i thanked the doctor,
i followed my husband to our car,
i sat in silence as we drove home.

i opened the front door,
i walked up the stairs and into the guest room,
the laced lavender curtains were gone,
the old oak treasure chest i had bought at a yard sale two years ago, was nowhere in sight...

the bedroom was bare,
with the exception of an old wooden rocking chair,
and a crib...

i haven't left this room in four days,
all i do,
is hold my belly,
and cry...

in the month of february

the month of february brought me a gift.

'i don't shake hands, i give hugs'these were your first words to me before you looked into my eyes and stole my future.

i now spend every waking moment with you, listening, watching, liking, feeling, ... you...you're simple.
you make your bed.
you wash the dishes.
you read,
you write,
you study,
you concentrate.

you're principled.
you're the right guy.
you're hilarious,
you make me laugh until my sides ache,
my cheeks hurt and my eyes tear,
you're sweet,
above the means of sweetness.

you leave me with light memories of smiles and laughter.
you add colour to the dull days by talking to me.
i'm fascinated by your stories and you're ability to always keep me in awe.

your touch feels like luke warm water...safe.
your kisses are always a series of emotion in sequence...
soft,
sweet,
kind,
warm,
romantic,
harder,
urgent,
sexy,
lovely...

you added the colours of passion to the month of february with the melodical rhythm of your breathing when you fall asleep...

when we sleep you hold me,
without me having to ask,
you have never given me your back.

we never speak of love,
lust isn't an option,
fantasy is destructive and insulting when i speak of how you make me feel.

your first words to me,
i will never forget,
'i don't shake hands, i give hugs'in the month of february

your favourite word,
'baby'
my favourite person,
you.
you and me,
a celebration of first times.
you and I,
an indication that something better arrives with a smile.

us, the best sentence i've ever heard spoken.

bye bye baby..

i've never seen your hands,
but i know what it feels like to hold them,

i've never touched your skin,
but i'm sure if i try really hard i can smell it,

you've never had the chance to smile at me,
but i'm certain that if you did,
it would sends raindrops through my heart,

when i imagine your eyes,
they look like mine,
your hair curly and soft,
your nose tiny, like a button,

i know you're always with me,
inside me,
whispering your wishes to me,
so i'll know you've forgiven me,

when i see you one day,
you'll be a young lady,
beautiful and wise,
you'll laugh like me, talk walk and joke like me,
you'll be the me i never was,
but you'll be you

and i will love you,
not much more than i love you now,
i could never love anyone as much,

i'm sorry i never said goodbye,
i thought you'd never love me,

i'm sorry i hurt you,
i thought you came to hurt me,

i'm sorry i didn't teach you how to read,
how to write,
how to dance and play,
i thought you'd never want to,

i'm not sorry that you existed,
because you made me,

you welcomed me into the world,
when you didn't have the chance to see it,
you never hurt me,
you always loved me,
you teach me how to laugh more everyday,
because i remember you,

bye bye baby,
i love you,

Mommy...

silly raindrops are my favourite.

The raindrops feel soft on my face
More enhanced by the sense of a warm embrace
There’s a shiver down my spine and I don’t know whether it’s you or the rain,
But it feels like spring
And it’s beautiful.

The night has come and I didn’t even notice
I missed dawn and duskYou’re the main focus.
My attention, you have been able to capture
It’s more entrancing than the greenest pasture.

My head spins at the sight of you
You smile, and I smile at your smile,
It’s more radiating than the sun
On the earliest morning, just as the day has begun.

I can’t feel the ground,
I’m higher than the sound of the loudest music,
And like the music, there’s a beat
But it isn’t the melody that’s taken me.

The stars tell me a story every time I look at them,
A love story,
But no story from the stars tells me the kind of story I see in your eyes,
Your very transparent, honest eyes,
That look at me like I could possibly be a rose.
Those eyes that weaken my little heart and send flutters right through me.

In the rain, the soft raindrops have me singing lyrics to my own song,
The one my heart has written for you.

You make me smile,
Happy thoughts of you and me holding hands,
Falling asleep together,
You make me feel like it’s possible……
Love…

the heart harvested #3

the sound of the ambulance hurts my head,
i wish it would go away..
i can still here him crying into his food,
the food i made him,
the food i delicately prepared for him,
just the way he likes it.

the policeman asked whether he was ok,
how dare they ask if this man is ok
when he has battered and bruised me?

in the ambulance i am very still,
my heartbeat begins to relax and i feel my heart beating slower

i remember the first time he layed eyes on me,
how he smiled and waved,
it felt like forever when he decided to walk over to me..
oh how those first months were,
glorious!

the first time we made love,
he took the time to know me,
to learn my body and my heart..

i taught him how to love me,
i taught him how to treat me,
i taught him how to punish me..

my head feels light and i can't open my eyes,
i'm holding his hand,
but his grip feels lighter,
i will my heartbeat to stop,
to just stop and not start again,

i open my eyes one last time and look at him,
the worry in his eyes as he sits next to me,
while i lay on the emergency bed cluching my chest,
he didn't do this to me,
i did this to myself...

he's crying again,
i close my eyes,
i smile and say farewell,
and then i wait...

to die

heart aviation

when her heart skips a beat at the sight of you
and she smiling at the smile inside of you,
its the aviation of her heart.

when the sound of your voice inspires her
and the fact that you know enlightens her,
its the aviation of her heart.

when the butterflies come at the touch of your skin
and the feelings are either a sign or a sin,
it's the aviation of her heart.

when the pace of your heartbeat excites her
and the softness of your kisses ignite her,
it's the aviation of her heart.

when her eyes light up at the calling of her name
and her laugh is like the fluttering rain,
it's the avaiation of her heart.

smile. for me.

we all search for salvation in the form of love.

so much so that compromising ourselves,
our time,
our faith,
our trust
and our comfort
becomes unimaginably normal.

when we search for salvation it should be in the form of solitude.

I'll be your solitude.
your secret keeper.
your friend.
your memory box.

i need no payment and you'll owe me nothing.

just smile once a day, everyday.
for me.

love me, please

i changed my hair, cut it shorter,
my drinking habits include only water,
that diet you suggested,
works with ease,
love me, please

i changed the locks on all the doors,
i paid for hard wooden floors,
i checked the dogs for bugs and fleas,
love me, please

i cancelled lunch with my mother,
you can go play golf with your brother,
just call and tell me what you need,
love me, please

i bought the red dress for your function,
concealed the bruises with foundation,
i'll follow, you just lead,
love me, please

i made an appointment with the doctor,
remember, i'm in my first trimester?
i'll take care of our seed,
love me, please

i waited for you till noon,
you said you'd be home soon,
i wanted to be seductive,
but now have become destructive,
i want you to die,
so i can grieve,
love me, please

the heart harvested #2

I’m scared

i walk and i think and i say "ok, i'll do it, i'll call the wedding off, i'll go to the police, get a restraining order, i'll call my mother, tell her the truth and, well, it'll be ok"
i walk and i think and i say, "no, i can't! i'm scared"
so i walk and i think and i go into the laundromat, drop off his suit, pick up his shirts and greet the old lady whose been drycleaning his clothes for the past 7 years,
i leave and i think and i walk and i think and i run into his brother
"hi" he says holding his 2 year old daughter in his arms, the sun burns my face
"hello" i say, my face toward the sun, avoiding his eyes i look at his baby, i'd love to have one,
before he makes conversation i make and excuse and i walk away, i want a baby, i want to live a normal life and i want to set things straight, so i walk home.

i sit on the stairs and wait for 7 o'clock, he'll be home soon.
i've set the table, i'v made the food, i've chilled the wine, i've set out his after-work clothes, i've programmed the tv to play his shows and i'v bathed, dressed in home-makers clothes awaiting his arrival
i have become his puppet
and i am scared.

he arrives, i smile
"hi baby," he says, his tone patronises me
i don't respond, instead i take his hand and take him to the dining room, i sit him down and blindfold him, i kiss his lips and i walk to the end of the kitchen

"remember when you hit me the first time?" i ask in a soft voice
his body goes rigid
"what the fuck is this?"
he stammers because when he takes the blindfold off i am holding his gun

second thoughts

i had a friend once who told me all her secrets and never once did i judge her. she was to be an escape from the world that loathed me. we laughed and cried together, we shared harmony.
when the world kicked me out of its cult and i was alone, she handed in her resignation freely and chose me.
no second thoughts.
she broke my heart when in another direction she opted to go, i had no choice but to accept her decision. i owed her everything, and she in return expected nothing but loyalty.
with no second thoughts.
so now she and i, we're at a cross roads, far apart we stand and stare at one another, unable to freely express the things we were able to just a week before...
with no second thoughts i need to forgive, forget and let go because i owe her everything, and she, me nothing.
but all i have is second thoughts.
and second thoughts there will always be.
because in her moment of weakness she forgot about me.