Unwantable. Unloveable Me.

You don't love me, you only think you do.
I am unloveable.

You don't want me, you only want to want me.
I am unwantable.

A string of promises and sweet poems lead you here, what did you think you would find? A wonderous princess that was broken, that was stifling her heart with her mind?
What did you come here to prove, to want the unwantable me?
Unloveable, I said to you, unloveable, that's me.
But still you come with you heart on your sleeve, hoping for some form of redemption. I can offer you nothing, I can give you less, haven't you heard my intention?
I will rip your love to shreds with my pain and gnaw at your soul till it's rigid. I will corrupt your mind with memories that drain the very life that your eyes encompass.

I am unloveable, so do not love the unloveable me. I'll unwant you in a moment and break your heart...

and then you'll be angry with dread.

My friend

My friend knows who I am,
My friend knows what I like,
My friend listens when I speak,
My friend weeps when I weep.

My friend laughs when I do,
My friend knows that I am her truth,
My friend breathes relief at my happiness,
My friend is sad in my sadness.

My friend reads my eyes, not my smile,
My friend senses my thoughts in my denial,
My friend is sometimes my only definition of family,
My friend knows the in's and out's of me.

My friend knows when I need a friend,
My friend knows when my heart needs a mend,
My friend knows when not to talk,
My friend will never leave me in hardship and walk.

My friend can see when there is sorrow,
My friend will make sure that I wake up tomorrow,
My friend finds closure in my presence,
My friend is a gift from the heavens!

My friend likes the parts of me that I do not dare to show,
My friend loves the heart in me, even when others don't,
My friend has grown up with me and has learned my every flaw,
My friend walks beside me, she'll never leave me alone.

-Written for my lifelong friend Raisa Fisher who is my rock, my lifeline and my biggest fan.

This woman's worth

This Lady doesn't cry,
this Lady likes the crowd,
this Lady is wild,
this Lady is loud.

This Lady has no voice,
this Lady's lost her soul,
this Lady yearns for a choice,
this lady feels owned.

This Woman may be wise,
this Woman may be smart,
this woman may be funny and witty and smart.

This Woman has no fear,
this Woman is just scared,
this Woman is alone again,
this Woman's never cared.

This Girl has a dream,
this Girl has a part,
this Girl weeps in the silence of late hours in the dark.

This Lady has passion,
This Woman has strength,
This Girl has the power to change her own fate.

But She will be lonely for a minute longer than forever,
She will always be searching for something bigger than her last adventure,
She will weep, but never fear,
cry but never tear,
scare, but never fear,
love, but never enough.

This woman's worth is everything that is owned by her,
but means nothing to her at all.

her weakness is Us.

I know why the caged bird sings

A caged birds only joy comes from song.
But what if that bird loses it's voice? What will be the joy that it's heart desires more than the sound it uses to free it's agony?
If being trapped is it's only fate?
Isn't it ones duty to set the caged bird free?

What if we were that caged bird - you and I...

What if we were trapped in each other's fate?

What if the only thing preventing us from setting one another free was the fear of freedom itself?

What if you lost your voice because it was silenced by me?

The caged birds only joy comes from song, so let the caged bird sing in it's cage. But if th caged bird wants to be set free - free it?

Or are you too afraid?

The routine of regret.

I am so tired.

I walk this road daily, it makes me feel the same everyday. Tired.

I walk, one foot following the other, in perfect precision. My thoughts climb the same mountain, telling my heart the same story with all the actions in chronological order. And at the same corner, I feel my tear stung eyes light up, I feel my soul accept its fate and I continue to walk home.

I am exhausted from drawing the same memory card from the same box. But the fatigue is nothing compared to the reminder.

Once there was a me without regret. Now regret is the only thing that I remember.

Home is a safer haven than the mind. I find a quiet place to breathe. I am exhausted from my conflicted thoughts. So I pack them away, neatly in their boxes in the storages rooms in my mind, for tomorrow...

... when I will wak down the same road and repeat this cycle.

Mercy #1

They hadn’t seen on another in such a long time that she’d forgotten how flustered she felt when Mercy was around. How could another woman make her feel hot and bothered? She didn’t make eye contact; she was too worried that it would show her anxiety. Mercy was dressed in simple blue faded jeans and white shirt, but she looked beautiful and poised, as always, in her chocolate brown skin and glistening dark eyes. Narissa couldn’t help but feel that familiar sexual tension in her body as she watched from the corner of her eye as Mercy circled the gallery. Why was she here? This was her exhibition, her art, her healing process, but here Mercy was, as usual, taking over with her radiant smile and flawless beauty. Narissa was not immune to her charm. She remembered their last encounter like it’d happened just seconds before...

She walked into to empty gallery carrying a bottle of red wine and two champagne glasses, one blue and one red. She was wearing a long strapless midnight blue dress made entirely out of satin. The dress was painted onto her body like soft skin on a woman. She was a vision. She sat down on the empty floor and filled the two glasses to the top. “Tonight we drink to you, Narissa. Teach me how to paint like you do, and I shall teach you how to make love like an African woman.”

She’d taken Mercy into her storeroom and showed her the faceless portraits she’d painted of one woman who couldn’t be tamed. They’d painted on empty canvasses with their bodies unclothed. They’d painted each other filled with desire, a painting that stood as the centre piece of this very exhibition tonight. Mercy was an untamed woman, much like the woman in her paintings, but those paintings couldn’t capture the way Mercy could devour her prey like an African lioness. Mercy was merciless, in her thoughts, her actions and her love making. She was a woman of strength, but she inflicted too much pain.

Their affair had been temporary; Mercy left her alone in the gallery that night, after having robbed her of all the dignity she had left.

stagnant growth. frustration on heat. loveless heart. sadness reigns.

I run, you walk.
I cry, you see me cry.
I scream for relief of the pain,you let me love you anyway.
I fight and curse, you stare in agony,
as I crumble.

A century apart wouldn't have made a difference.
There was a tear from my eye for every touch on my skin,
an invisible scar with an odour of regret stings my conscience daily.

A 'pick-me-up' is what an addict would call the drug they'd choose to put them at ease for a little while. A 'relapse' is what I call and encounter with you.

You don't love me anymore - this is what it feels like to be alive and not be living.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Daddy's little girl

You used to sing me to sleep so I'd always have sweeter dreams,
You used to kiss my forehead and silence my nightmared screams,
You used to pick me up so I could dance on your toes,
You used to teach me how to tie the laces of my running shoes...

You and mom took us on our first trip abroad, and even though I’m a big girl now, you still hold my hand when we cross the road,
You used to tell me to only be myself,
You taught me how being me always helped.

You encouraged me to follow my heart and finish everything that I attempt to start,
You never criticized what I write, never once did you allow me to think I’m not smart.

And now I’m just about all grown up, a real woman, you see,
But you never fail to see that little masterpiece you created in that young girl that used to be me.

Instead of singing me to sleep at night, now, you offer me reality, in which I strive to be the best, the drive you have instilled in me.

I will always be my daddy's girl, from beginning to end,
Because that little girl inside of me knows my Daddy can always mend
Broken windows and broken doors and even my broken heart.

I’m my Daddy's little girl, my Daddy's work of art.

Grace

it's like watching the rain from my bedroom window, loving you.

it's a natural instinct to be near you, to want and need and love you. I love the way your hair smells and the way your lips feel, i love the way you eyes light up and how your laugh sounds, i love the way your heart beats and your face radiates beauty.

i love the way you speak to me, in soft whispers when there's a crowd.

i love the way you know how and where to touch to make me close my eyes and wish. I love the way you think of me and tell me those thoughts however happy or sad they may be.

i love the way you love melodies and beats and how my heart beats to your melody.

i love your love, the way we love, the love we love that allows us each others love. I love how you love, how we love, how you love me.

it's like watching the sun come out in the morning, the happiness it brings to the face of the sky, like a smile on your face after a storm of tears.

i love you with all of me, with each centered soul inside of me, with every breath and every heart beat and every blink my green eyes.

i love you with all that I am, all that i'll be, all that I know and all that I see. I love you for you. Who you are is love. Who i am is what you love in me.

i love you. I love you. I Love You. I LOVE YOU.

i luv u xoxo

here comes the man

in the blink of an eye she became addicted to him. she was dependent on his oxygen generosity. her breathing was under his instruction.

he broke the barriers of the walls in her mind. He caught her when she was about to fall off the edge. She was losing control, he gave her the scent of her new addiction.

in her faith for love she stayed sane and cooperated only in the spontaneity that her love allowed her.

he brainwashed her with lust and sex and chemistry. He sold her silence. she paid in volumes of dry tears.

his voice was like loud melodies of women with aching hearts of sorrow. she was the epitome of that picture. she felt divine. their love was deadly.

they fed each others souls, they helped each other live. he and her, she and him. and then... he went away.

but she couldn't turn back.

60 seconds

i'm watching myself disappear
i can feel my soul drifting
i am trying to save it, chase after and retain it, but it's long gone.

i'm alone.

there are weeds intertwining themselves around my heart, sowing themselves in and out, securing it. the inside remain in and the outside remain out.

they become tighter and i gasp...

i can't breathe, i can't breathe!

the expectations, the accusations, the deadlines, the pressure, the heartache, the sorrow, the sadness, the hatred chase me as i search high and low for that soul.

the soul i intend to keep, even if it were just for a minute. (just for a minute. only for a minute. i need that minute!)

i am slowing down, the weeds are holding me back. they wrap themselves thickly around my chest and arms.

i can hardly move.

my heart has been sealed, it's safe and sound.

except, i am one soul less and i have shut love out.

loneliness doesn't know a better friend than me.

Notes about that gurl.

Hello. Hi. Meisie. Sunshine. Baby. Love. Senorita. Girly. Gurl. Girl. Temmy.

Hey. Boy. Boychie. Seuntjie. Baby. Love. Senor. My love.

I love you. You love me too. I miss you. You miss me too. I think I am inlove today. I think it should be over tomorrow. I don't know how I feel right now. Come home, please. When I see you, I'll tell you. What do you want from me? Do you want this? I'm happy. Me too. I want you. I want to feel the same way you do. When you say you love me, I feel it. I never promised you a fairytale. I tried. I am trying. Thank you. I need you. It's over? The chapter. Our book. The story. It's over.

There was something there.

That gurl had a name once.

I'm not that strong without you

Months of silence,
tears of rage,
days of silence,
revolting pain,
hours of silence,
there's not a chance,
minutes of silence,
my heart feels lost,
seconds of silence,
it can't be true,
Hello, you say, how are you?

I can breath again.

"I need you like the ocean needs the tide..." - Marcos Hernandez

turn your lights down low

we used to be like a melody, you and me. we went to together like the never ending lines of poetry. we found solace in each others healing. we taught each other the limitless end of feeling. we laughed at one another and cried together.
we turned our lights down low.

we helped each other dream and made one another love. we unblocked our hearts, destroyed our walls and came together as one. we talked all the ways we could and when talking failed us, we knew our writing wouldn't. we did what we knew best for the best gifts we could give one another.
we turned our lights down low.

we learned the music that fed the souls we craved and in turn shared a passion for sharing. we become one in spirit. one with poetry. one, together.
we turned our lights down low.

we turned our lights down low.

"loving you is like a song i replay every three minutes and thirty seconds of every day..."
- Lauren Hill, Turn your lights down low.

you found another me.

i used to think that losing myself meant i disapeared,
you reminded me that my heart's still here.

i believed that love was an overplayed song,
you taught me the words, now i sing along.

before my soul was a shattered mirror,
you replaced it with something clearer.

i was imperceptive, stuck in a hopeless maze,
you saw me, now i see you, my eyes hold your gaze.

i fell into a never ending darkeness,
you lit the black with with courage, now my skies are cloudless.

i lost the me i used to know,
you found someone knew.

i drowned in my own emptiness,
you rescued me from woe.

i tormented my aching mind with images of hate,
you showed me more than happiness and with that gave me faith.

i cried tears of pure agony, bitterness lived on my tongue,
you released the ail inside my heart, my healing became your poem.

i didn't know, i couldn't see, what you may already have percieved,
but now i know and see and feel, you found another me.

Farewell, I love you

(This is a farewell letter to my first love...)
Hello,

Thinking about you sends my heart into a slight frenzy, after such a long time, it really still does! And yet... I like thinking about you, thinking about the things that made and make you YOU.

I woke up feeling weird today, and I think I may have just found the reason. You wanna hear? (Or read it?) lol.

Well...

I think that I have stopped missing you. Yes, that's right, I don't miss you anymore.

In a way, it makes me sad. Because I've kinda spent months, give or a take, years, thinking about and missing you - during the making up and breaking up, of course!

But the reason I'm emailing you, besides wanting to tell you that is: I want you to know why (Why what?) Why I was so deeply in love with you. Because I thought that maybe if you knew and if you understood, then it would be easier for you to understand me - in a way that you've never been able to before.

So, here it goes...

When we met, it wasn't all the right things you said. It was the fact that you listened.
When we kissed, it wasn't the fact that your hands stayed put. It was that your eyes were closed and your heart was pounding and you were nervous and anxious, like me.
When we started to talk about the way we felt, it wasn't that you felt the same (which did count!) but that you liked that I was happy. It was that YOU were happy because I was happy.
It was that we never made each other sad.
It was that we were supportive and encouraging when both of us wanted to try something new.
It was the way you helped me. And the way you let me in and help you.

That's what made me love you.
That's what made me keep coming back.
That's the reason I chose to stay in love with you.

But.

That's another time now, another life, another era - if you will.

And I wanted you to know that I KNOW the bad times were intense, I KNOW you tried and I tried. I KNOW you didn't want to hurt me. I KNOW it frustrated you that I was so helpless all the time. And I KNOW that you didn't stay out of sympathy.

I know you will always have a love for me, the same way I will always have a love for you. But i also know that it didn't work out because we were never meant to be.

So, I'm not saying goodbye and I'm not asking you to come back into my life. Actually, I don't expect anything. I just figured that this is where it all started, with an email. So this is where the closure comes from in the end, i suppose.

I hope you're well and that you'll forgive the us that thought it was okay to do the things we did.

Thank you though, for the reasons you gave me. They inspire me.

Love Tamsin.

Two hearts. One Love.

When she was a young girl she had a full heart and with each new found love she gave a piece away, to be remembered.

The last time she tried to take her piece back, she thought that if she shared it, it would be the end of her...

So she presented her case, her piece of heart back for a clean slate.

The new owner looked at her and sighed, her heart, he said was way too valuable and she didn't have enough to buy.

She cried and cried because she wanted it back, but he wouldn't hear of it, saying that her tears were falling to dirt.

She didn't understand why she couldn't get a hold on it; she knew she had to work for it.

But to work to get her own heart back, how would she?
To take her piece of heart willingly, how could he?

And so she moved on, filling the blank spaces in her chest with other forms of happiness.

She met a similar heart, a heart made of gold. She tried to apply for the position, but that heart had been sold.

She saw it everyday. It was happily owned by her arch enemy.
The one who took hers and the one she detested. The one whose heart she's taken time on and invested.

So she did the only thing she knew how to do, she used her heart and loved him too.

Till he couldn't resist her love and her empathy. And he offered her piece of heart without sympathy.

And as he grieved because he thought he had lost her, she smiled when he presented her with her the trade she once offered.

Her piece of heart for a new clean slate.

She watched as his own heart began to break. But before it fell apart and shattered to pieces, she grabbed hold of the strings and kissed the cracked edges.

"What use would this piece of heart be to me, if without you it would break easily?"
She asked him once and then again, and through his tearful gaze, he whispered her name.

"What use would your piece of heart be to me, when I'd rather have it in entirety, all of it, embedded in me?" He reached out and showed her the piece he had saved and in return she handed him the rest of its shape.

Perfectly in intact she handed hers to him.
He gave her his, young and untouched.

"I have never shared it before," he said.
"It's alright she said, "it's safe you, you're never to worry about it ever breaking."

And so a new trade was established: Her heart for his and his heart for hers.
A perfect deal. A perfect love.

Two hearts. One love.

A love letter from November

Dear November's girl,

You will have secrets to keep, keep them.
You have people to love, love them.
You have songs to listen to, hear them.

You will have friends, some real, some not, but respect them.
You will find a happiness and trust in them, treasure it.

You will be hurt, heal then.
You will cry, dry your tears.

You will read stories that break your heart and uplift it again, always turn the page.

You will discover that you have a talent, when you've found it...

I want you to write my child.

Write my November child.

Love. Hurt. Cry. Heal. Write.

Your Mother, November.

If you love me, you'll say yes.

She was crying when he walked into her bedroom. He asked hey why she was crying, she didn't say. He asked her again and she sighed, but didn't say. He tried to touch her, but she wouldn't let him. He sat down in front of her, he held her knees the way she was holding them, he licked her tears as they came down in showers from her eyes.

She cried until she had no tears left. She couldn't talk, she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. She tried to speak, but her voice was gone.

He just watched her. Licking her tears as they ran down her face, not saying a word.

And then he picked her up and carried her. Through her house and into her car. He buckled her up into the front seat and drove her to the highest point he could find, where she could see everything, where she was on top of her world...

And then he closed her eyes and turned her toward a light.

When she opened them, she was flustered by the brightness, the glare made her eyes water. But her tears had dried.

"Why are we here?" She asked.
"I am giving you the sun." He said.

And he did, he gave her the sun.

So she smiled her silly crooked smile, wrapped her arms around him and stared into the gift he's given her.

The sun.

One less lonely girl

"... And you are my light on a very dark road, I love you."

Not sometimes.
Not often.
All the time.

I love you all the time.

It could have been you.

It could have been you, who fell in love in an instant,
Who would have been able to close the distance
between your heart and mine,
Who could have let me shine
And be in the landing zone of deliverance.


It could have been you, who came across heartache,
You who had to feel it shake and break,
You who fumbled about for the pieces,
You who ironed out all the creases.

It could have been you who saw me every time like it was the first,
You who felt as though your entire being would burst
When I took your hand, kissed your smile, touched your skin,
It could have been you who felt like you could always win
With me by your side, with nothing to hide,
Except a truth you would never know.
It could have been you who loved with your heart and soul

You who needed me to make you whole,
You who my very happiness would make

And me...
Who your very happiness could take.

It could have been you, who cried yourself to sleep,
Who couldn't speak, but could only weep,
It could have been you, who felt each pain like singular droplets of acid rain,
Pouring down onto your face, to remind you of every chapter in my disgrace,

It could have been you who was disappointed at the sudden loss of my commitment.
It could have been you who had to learn the truth from outside elements who meant to hurt you,

It could have been you who was at a loss for words when I stumbled in front of you with honesty that burned
You who felt the itches as it burned.

It could have been you,
But it was me.
I was always me.
It will always be me…

My redemption song

You are what is.
What you are is what it is.
What it is is what I wanted for you to be...
My redemption song.
Not an escape or an immaculate fantasy...
My redemption song.
I'm not healed or saved.
Just redeemed.
You are my redemption song.
What is.
What it means.
What you are.
Love.
I love you.

We have a story.

The way we met.
The questions and the answers.
The smiles and the secret glances. The inner feelings. The tension and excitement. The slight movements. The sounds of the laughter.
The beginning.
The you's and the me's.

We have a story.

I remember when I first saw you.
I remember what you were wearing.
I remember exactly how you smelled.
I remember exactly how I felt.

I remember the secrets; they way they became bigger as time passed. But we always knew they were sealed secrets. I remember. Our secrets.

We have a story.

Loving and losing.
Loving and winning.
Leaving and forgiving.
Forgiving and Forgetting.

We have a story.
Tell me what you remember.

Love is a part of our story.
My First love. My first love story.

Tell me our story.

my hearts parasite

I know that you're still here, in my heart. I can feel when you knock against the walls, trying to escape... but u can't be set free. I can't save u from me... Yes, I know you’re unable to breathe... but I don't know how to help u without hurting me. if I puncture holes into my heart, u could get a glimpse of oxygen... but then my heart would stop working and I’d surely die... that's not what u want. Is it? Its dark in there... no, I didn't turn the lights out, it's the pain... the coolness of it has turned the walls darker, into a strong mould, so it's more difficult for u to inhale. The fumes of my devastation are deadly. I struggle to decide which is more fatal... keeping u in, or letting u out. I wonder if I can let go, if you'll just disappear from the space I made for u there. My heart isn't being very hospitable now that there are walls around it, is it now? But who put the walls there? Who damaged the gateway? Who fucked up the lighting with infidelity and mistrust? Not me... your a parasite and I want u out, right now!

temporary farewell

to say goodbye to you is not to say it's the end of knowing you
it is goodbye for now
till another time comes when we meet and we greet and we learn from the beginning
how to make each other laugh again
how to find the special things that make us smile
how to sought through the layers and layers of baggage to find the realness within
to say goodbye to you now makes me sad
but what could make me sadder?
not being able to say goodbye again
because saying goodbye is temporary
we will never be temporary
always a wonder
if i say i will always love you, i'd not be lying
but let me rather say
i love you everyday
not more each day and not less each day
i just love you
i still love you
forever
but goodbye for now
we'll meet again i'm sure,
i am certain

the fall of the embassy

i feel numb
i feel nothing
i feel no remorse
i feel guilty because i feel nothing, but remorse
i feel frightened because being numb and feeling nothing but remorse hurts more than loving someone who never had enough in them love me
i feel ugly
i feel bitter
i feel numb, numb, numb
i feel like the insides of my heart are caving in from sorrow
i feel physical pain
i feel th insides of my stomach turn with regret
i feel sorry for myself
i feel pity, sadness and i feel numb
i feel hatred
i feel angry and scared
i feel more anger than fear
i feel like no one will ever see me
i feel exposed but i also feel invisible
i feel unwanted,disregarded, deserted, detested
i feel magnificent amounts of dread
i feel numb
i feel so fucking numb
i feel like closing my eyes and wishing for change, but my wishes are futile
i feel negative
i feel like a prude, a phony
i feel dishonest, like a liar
i feel numb
i feel so numb
i feel like the embassador of love has died

i'm down for whatever

if you're there then i'm there,
it doesn't have to be fair,
wherever you take me i'll go, you lead me,
i'm down for whatever...

if you win then i win,
my love for you will bypass your sins,
you don't have to guide my heart, it will follow you anyhere
i'm down for whatever...

you don't hurt me,
you seduce fate when you're tempted to decieve me,
to have to forgive you again would be the end of me,
but hey,
i'm down for whatever...

delusion escapes you,
you see,you've forgotten that you love me too,
you know me and i know you,
so,
i'm down for whatever...

indifference isn't what i'd call it,
rather a mania of infatuation,i'd like to forfeit,
i'm inlove with you,
i can't ignore it,
i'm down for whatever...

i'm down for whatever,
wherever you take me,
however you'd like me to get to you,
whenever you need me,
i'm down my boy,
for you,
i'm down,
down for whatever...

however,
whenever,
whatever...

i'm down for whatever...